quipsandthwips | Deerington Inbox

[ A snarky 'you're welcome' dies on his tongue, mid turn to check the timer on the casserole.

Wade's entire posture changes at Peter's suggestion. Instead of the easygoing slouch he usually holds that makes him look like he's trying to look just a little less imposing and suspicious than he actually is, his spine goes rigid and straight, body tense like he's ready for a fight that Peter definitely isn't prepared to get into.

One giant word bounces around his head, in big bright neon lights Vanessa, followed by about a thousand other horrible words reminding Wade just how awful he really is. How he can't settle down and start a family. How he can't even protect her or make his way back to her. She's better off without him. Fuck, everyone is, and he knows it. Even Peter is.

His gaze stays on the timer, watching it tick down the seconds, but not really seeing or registering it. All he can really see at the moment is her smile. It has his eyes stinging with tears that are threatening to spill if he doesnt do something. Wade blinks a couple times, glad his back is to Peter. ]

Sure, they're sold in cans in weird jelly form to be enjoyed during the holidays, but does anyone actually enjoy them? They're the sad berries that people with kidney and bladder problems try to pretend are good. People also eat kale but I'm not convinced either.

[ Continuing on with a topic that meant nothing was a great sign... right? The timer goes off and Wade rushes to the oven pulling it open and grabbing the far too hot casserole dish with his bare hands. At first, it doesn't seem like he realises what he's done, but then he's setting it down on the counter and kicking the oven door closed with a slam that can't be good for it. ]

Shit! I forgot my oven mitts! Help yourself Peter! [ Also probably an alarming sign, or maybe not. He calls him Peter all the time, right? ] I'm just gonna, make sure this doesn't bounce to you. [ He's already out of the room before he even finishes his sentence. There's a moment of rustling as Wade scurries towards the front door and then... yeah... Peter, you've been bamboozled, he has definitely fled his own house. ]

Edited 2019-03-31 07:18 (UTC)

[Sometimes he wishes he had a spider sense for saying stupid shit. Or at least one that would warn him for reactions to the stupid shit he says. At first he's a little lost for words, confused, and then the telltale signs of distress start to form: sudden rigidity, a moment of sharp silent stillness, and the rambling —

He flinches hard at the oven door looking a little stunned, because Wade just reached into his oven and his bare hands, and he's not so sure it was an accident, and he's just. Alarmed and mortified with his mug and his Oreos. This is the part where you get up and go make sure he's alright, but then again, if he makes a move for him he'll probably get burnt hands bounced to him. And also, he's fucking horrified.

So he just watches with gaping mouth as Wade rushes away, up until he's about to get out the door-]

Wade, wait!

[Nevermind, the door has slammed, and he's sitting there dumbstruck.]

[So he just... sits for another minute or two, processing. It doesn't really take a lot of thinking before he considers what could've possibly gotten him that kind of awful reaction. He's already in a delicate place, and Peter's gone and fucked that all up himself, huh? He's really just. Garbage at this.

Weirdly, Wade will find he doesn't chase him like he usually does.

In fact, he actually gives him his space for once.

And when he returns, there are a number of things to note:

One, there is a plate with casserole on it, half-eaten, on the coffee table.

Two, there is an envelope next to it, one Wade will recognize that had been taped under the coffee table, labeled 'WADES SECRET ENVELOPE (DON'T TOUCH OR I'LL STAB YOU) 🗡🗡🗡 — because apparently, god sent down a sign to lay on the floor in defeat so he can find the hidden stash of Ness, which is somehow worse to discover than the cocaine.

Three, Peter Parker is laying facedown on the floor, planking in pure miserable guilt.

There's a picture from the envelope in one of the stiffly straight hands at his sides.

Muffled, defeated, he says:]

I'm sorry I upset you.

[ Wade spends enough time away from his house that he fully expects Peter to be gone when he gets back... He'd waited outside the grocer shop he knew didn't officially open until 6am but the owner always got there early and Wade had chatted at them until they relented and let him in. After that it became a habit if he found himself needing anything in the middle of the night. Apparently, what he'd needed was... chip clips for his blanket cape so he could de-cape and turn it into something akin to a toga, a pair of of periwinkle oven mitts and a box of dehydrated cranberries.

So, what he doesn't expect to see when he returns home is a dead slug of a Peter Parker on his floor, and at first it has him rushing into the room little faster than he normally would, before he sees Peter move slightly, and... oh, yeah he's breathing... He's just...

Being weird. Wade stills when he takes further stock of the room.

Did he not like the casserole? It's a stupidly weird question to have first, even as his eyes find the envelope. He's not sure if what he's feeling is betrayal that Peter ignored any personal boundaries or weirdly touched that he did. It's a weird mixture. Really, he's just feeling raw from actually talking about what happened to Laura and thinking about Vanessa and his inability to ever fill any normal niche other than ruthless mercenary.

His eyes find Peter again when he speaks, well, more like his eyes find the photo. Somehow his voice comes out even and casual, even if he feels almost all things except that. ] It's all good in the hood, Petey-Pie Sweetie-Pie Honey Bunches of Oats. [ Aren't nicknames supposed to be shorter? As he talks he sifts through the bag he'd gotten, pulling the box of cranberries out and staring at them for a moment before shrugging like he's forgotten why he bought them and then he's tossing them carelessly over his shoulder. ]

You're brave. I would rather dive face first into a pool of liquid rabies than lay face down on my floor.

[ Honestly it shouldn't be too bad... They did clean it when he had his hissy fit. There's an awkward half second of pause before Wade's talking again, clearly trying to fill the silence with noise. He pulls out the oven mitts and tosses them towards the kitchen, like they actually needed any. ]

You didn't even eat all your casserole, the chef is feeling insulted. Are we going to be giving the rest to Mikey? The chef is also considering buying a Spy Chix for his diary to keep the snooping boys out. I get it, I made a milkshake once. [ Oh no, he's just going to punch blindly into this conversation apparently, making it sound as light hearted as he possibly can. ] I see you met Ness. [ Wade stands there awkwardly for a moment, just watching Peter, and feeling a big old unsure on what he should be feeling right now. After a bit of hesitating he heads over to the couch and yanks something up from between the back cushions and then pulls it down over his head. He looks ridiculous in his mask and makeshift toga, but he doesn't seem to care. Does he ever? ]

Edited (grammar is a thing i sometimes use) 2019-03-31 22:32 (UTC)

I liked the casserole. It's a good casserole. Gordon Ramsey would have said something like "finally, some good fucking food." [He used an f-bomb for you, look at that (and clearly it's prime example that he really feels bad, like, really, really bad). He turns over a little, just enough to look at Wade from where he's decided to make the floor home; there, Wade can see peak guilt, Peter Parker style. Damn bambi eyes.] ... Yeah, uh. We had a long talk. She said you suck at hiding places.

[But he sounds miserable saying that.]

... I shouldn't have looked.

I just saw it from down here, and for some reason, the threat of daggers compelled me to look at it.

I'm sorry.

I said it before, but you know. Sorry. Again. Did I mention I was sorry?

[ The joke and the f-bomb has wade scoffing just slightly, in any other situation he'd probably be over the moon, hooting and hollering... But really all he can do is move to lay down next to Peter on the ground, the expression on his mask not giving much away. The only telling thing is that he looks a bit sad in the eyes maybe.

Damn Bambi eyes indeed. ] I'm so proud of you, using your one fuck. For me.

[ He reaches out to squeeze Peter's shoulder in an attempt to comfort him. ]

Yeah, well, I only did win hide and seek twice. A pretty terrible average if you ask me.

[ His hand pulls away from Peter's shoulder to reach down for the photo, ridiculously gentle in its mission of reclaiming the photo in Peter's hand.

Yes, Peter, you said sorry a few too many times now. ]

What else did you guys talk about? [ Yes, this is definitely his way of asking Peter to ask whatever he wants to ask. ]

[Dude, don't comfort me, I'm not the one needing the comfort.

(Or maybe he does, but it's not like he's bothered admitting how shitty home is... ever.)

But maybe it was fate. To set Wade off, flop on the ground, and find evidence of why he'd be set off by such a dumb comment. There's probably not a single person in this town who doesn't have some kind of great, terrible tragedy hidden under their masks... or, uh. Whatever else they symbolically or literally wear. It just sucks to be the one to unearth it and cause someone else such an ache.]

... Oh... y'know... Exchanging hair styling techniques... Where to judo chop someone for maximum effect...

Usual gal talk.

[Jokes are such a great defense technique, and they always solve every problem.

Always.

There's a long pause.]

I'm guessing you beat yourself up over it... A lot.... Maybe to an unhealthy degree, judging by how you decided the best way to excuse yourself is making your kitchen smell like burned skin.

[Which was horrible, btw.]

[ He looks at the photo, Ness looking as beautiful and happy as ever. It makes him feel like someone scraped out his heart and left a gaping hole. ]

She's more of a punch you in the face sorta lady. She knows better than to believe in judo chops.

[ He pauses, head tilting so he can look past the photo to Peter. ]

I got her killed. She died because I wasn't fast enough. I fixed it. I took Cable's TARDIS and went back in time and murdered the fuck out of the guys that killed her. I'm probably the worst thing that's ever happened to her.

[ His gaze falls back to the picture. ]

I'm starting to think I've got so much cancer I'm just starting to become it. [ Despite how sad he sounds at the thought, he laughs like it's a joke anyway. ] She wants babies, she wants a normal fucking life where we pay the bills, raise kids, watch musicals on Fridays. I can't even keep her alive without some stupid fucking writer trying to fridge her.

[ Wade's pretty sure he deserves this place.

He sniffs through a stuffy nose. Look, Pete. You made him cry. He sniffs again, and lets out another laugh. ]

Sheesh, wow, late nights, huh? They really get to ya.

[ Wade Wilson doesn't have walls he puts up. He just talks people away from him. ]

I'll spare stabbing you this time because that'd just be a waste. No one can say I'm not a merciful god.

[ He sits up and reaches for the envelope. ]

Magnanimous? That's always a fun word to say. Like chimichanga and snickerdoodle and buy one get one free tacos at Maria's Taco Stand.

... Oh, god. Don't cry — if you cry, I'll cry, and then we'll have to go out and buy kleenex, because there's no way in hell I'd use any box of kleenex at your house—

[Except he looks and sounds worried, like someone who doesn't want to embarrass Wade but also knows he can't mask his sympathy pangs. God, that's just depressing, DP, and it makes his heart and stomach twist around all screwed-up-like. Peter knows what it's like, for someone to die because you're not fast enough. He's done it over and over and over — civilians, mostly, but also some of the most important people in his life. Failure is hard, and he's not gonna pretend he didn't cry after a number of those moments where he was so close.

A hush falls over them, as he sits up, too, looking over with a frown.]

... I bet if I asked her opinion about everything you just said, she'd say something really different.

That's usually how it goes.

[ Wade turns to look at him, mask pretty expressionless for someone who is usually emoting through it. Does someone as expressive as him even know how to school his features? ]

Yeah, love does that. It makes you blind to all the shitty stuff. [ It's dangerous when it comes to guys like him. There's far more shitty stuff in his life than should ever be overlooked and he knows it. It's even more dangerous that she makes him feel like he can overlook the shitty stuff. She can get him drunk on the feeling that it's not just another intermission between another train wreck.

He takes in a deep breath. ] So you're a social crier, huh?

[ He looks back at the picture of Vanessa, apparently not quite ready to stick it back in the envelope. ]

[He absolutely studies that expressionless mask. For a sign of anything, really.]

Oh, yep. I have the embarrassing honor of stumbling out of the theater after Marley and Me and telling everyone my red, swollen eyes were 100% allergies. I'll cry watching dramatic Oprah clips on youtube. Really, the sky's the limit.

[He's joking a little. But only a little.]

Wow. [ He lets out a small laugh. ] I cried at the scene in Up. You know the one.

[ Finally he slips the photo into the envelope. Then another snuffle follows and it's hard to tell if he's still crying or if it's just leftovers. ]

Guess we can never watch The Notebook together, huh?

[ And there's some emotion, he still just looks sad, despite cracking jokes. ]

Yep, sure do.

[Up's a pretty good choice for waterworks.

He just sits there patiently, though, frowning a little.]

... I'm guessing it's a good thing I've never viewed this sad movie you speak of, huh? Watching literally anything that doesn't make my eyes sweat sounds more my scene.

... Sorry I screwed up making you feel better.

I swear I'm usually better at this.

-- Wait, you've never seen The Notebook? Seriously? You know we're adding that to the list now. Well, not for now, because I think I've had enough emotions for one night but...

[ He heaves out a heavy sigh, the apology not sitting well with him. ]

Don't worry about it, Bambi. Anything is better than being alone and listening to my own thoughts.

[ Which is true. Especially on matters like this. It just turns into a hate spiral that ends in him talking to himself or the fourthwall and chattering incessantly about how he's the goddamn worst of the worst. ]

There's no way you're gonna get me to watch an emotional chick flick, my heart can't take them.

[But with their momentary lapse in conversation, there seems to be some kind of... reprieve. A moment to rest from their feelings, or something. Because wow, this definitely was not how he thought his night was gonna go. Morning? Morning. Whatever.

He sighs, though, sitting there, unsure what to do for Wade.

It's not like he can just pull a Spider-Man and swing away victoriously saving someone right now.

Instead he just says the first thing that comes to mind:]

... If I'm Bambi, you're Thumper.

I'm taking that as you think I'm adorable and also your best friend.

[ Time for some more humour barriers. Putting up as many of those as possible. ]

Oh em gee, wait you do think I'm adorable you totally admitted you liked my face. That totally means the other part is true too.

[ Hello, that is a masked face leaning into Peter's face's personal space a bit, to squint at him. ]

I'll gladly be your Thumper.

[ omg bffs. ]

[Peter huffs a breath through his nose, sitting with his arms on his knees and sort of just accepting the close proximity as a constant in the equation that is the 'Wade Wilson Theorem'.

If there's one way he can fluster Wade, though, it's saying without much room for uncertainty:]

Yeah. Well. You are my best friend here, Thumper.

Edited 2019-05-14 04:00 (UTC)

[ Wade leans back, sufficiently flustered by the admittance. He hadn't expected Peter to actually say it. ]

Now I know you're just trying to make up for snooping.

[ He's too flustered, he needs to hide more. ]

Just so you know I'm hiding all my valuables from here on out.

[ But then he grins behind his mask. ]

This totally means I'm allowed to snoop in your house.

What? C'mon, that was an accident.

[He grins back, though, as if he absolutely knows he's flustered Wade.]

What is even worth much around here? I don't know if I could pawn much.

... Maybe I could get a couple Hamiltons out of the couch.

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