quipsandthwips | Deerington Inbox

I've never been more offended in my life
and I had to deal with Origins and Green Lantern

I do want to hear where this goes though
What kinda food would it be
I'm dying to know

It's a musical you pervert
I know you like my after using Clearasil face but reign it in
I will only go as far as hot n heavy makeouts and heavy petting unless you ask nicely
and then I'm down for just about anything

IDK something like yams crossed with green beans.
Also no no and no.
But I can come watch this probably questionable movie if you want the company.

I bet this movie's ancient

It's ancient, isn't it?
It's from the prehistoric era?

that sounds delicious
are you hungry???
I'm going to warm up a green bean casserole.
I don't know what all those nos were even to I only listed two things
I wouldn't invite you if I didn't want the company

nevermind
I take it back
I don't want you to come over anymore
I'm eating this casserole by myself

EARLY 80S
also I'm revoking your adult privileges
you're a child again.

If you're genuinely somehow in possession of an edible green bean casserole, I'll hold off on calling you old for a whole month, guaranteed.
Scout's honor.

well come here

should I come get you?
who knows who has a crowbar

[ Aw, look at Wade worrying about Peter walking around late at night in murdertown. ]

I think I'll survive the walk.
If I don't, water my half-dead plant for me?
You can have my extensive crowbar collection, featured in Guinness World Records

[THAT'S NOT FUNNY PETE-

... But he's already been dressing and jumps down from his ceiling to start out his door.

Might as well just stay in his pajamas, at this rate; ESU shirt and lumberjack-plaid sweats it is.]

I'm terrible with plants
or anything relying on me for survival actually
It's probably amazing *I* made it this far tbh
But sure I'd love to be your plant's death sentence and I'm always a fan of more weapons

[ You do you, Petey. He'll just be popping the casserole in the oven and trying to hide all signs of "I've been angsting for at least a day" away before Peter can come over and ferret them out.

He's over it. Everything is fine. He's cool as a cucumber.

Hope he wasn't expecting Wade to be in more than his Spidey boxers and a blanket cape tho.]

[Yeah, well. To be honest, he expects pretty much anything at this point — so the boxers and blanket combo? Not even remotely shocking. Though he definitely raises his eyebrows nearly to his hairline at the theme of said boxers. Ugh, Wade, he thinks, as if he doesn't totally have a few pairs at home himself.

He sighs, and wordlessly holds up a few unopened boxes of OREOs.

Comfort food for your stupid late-night freakouts. Less cocaine involved. Healthier!

... Not by much, because OREOs are practically crack.]

Peter Benjamin Parker. [ Oooh, fancy, someone learned that middle name. ] Did you bring me Milk's favourite cookie?

[ Sure, far less cocaine involved. ]

I should wake you up in the middle of the night more often if it gets me OREOs. [ He gives a vague gesture with his arm, that's probably loosely translated to "make yourself at home."

He heads over to the fridge, pulling the door open to look at what's inside like it's the first time he's actually looked in there. ] We've got... milk, beer, and orange juice... And [ He nods towards the oven. ] Take a whiff of that and eat your heart out. I think you owe me at least two months. I say this in the most grown up manner possible -- maybe not too grown up -- you're not allergic to nuts, right?

[He's not even gonna ask where you figured out the middle name.

(Because he can't remember if it was from him, honestly.)

And he plops down the hoarded OREOs he had absolutely had stowed away in his house already, sniffing the air before turning toward the oven. And it — actually... smells nice? Look, don't judge him, but he assumed it would be burnt and crispy and maybe have a boot in it. Chicken soup is one thing, but...]

... I'm allergic to nutcases.

[He fake-sneezes.

... C'mon, you know that was a good one.]

You seriously made this by yourself? Just you?

Did someone swan-dive out the window so they wouldn't get caught when I walked in?

Calm down white Will Smith. I thought you were supposed to be PC.

[ Apparently he's just decided to pour them both cups... well more like mugs... of milk and set them down on the counter, sliding one closer to Peter. ] To drown your OREOs.

And yes, as shocking as it is, I made this all by myself. And the other casseroles in the freezer too. Darlene actually stole my recipe and added cranberries. I've never been more scandalized. Who enjoys cranberries? Only bad people willingly eat cranberries in green bean casserole.

Don't tell Cable, he'll want me to stop making tacos every time he tries to make me cook dinner if he knows I'm more than a one trick pony.

Oh, thanks.

[Mildly pleasant as he takes the mug. Hard not to raise his eyebrows at the explanation, as he sits at the table and rolls his arms back a little to unwind.]

... You're pretty much a housewife, you know. Ever think about just retiring from, uh... 'superheroing' and settling down somewhere instead?

[Look, it's just... it seems like an easier, nicer life. He'd rather Wade have that, than whatever hideous past he's probably harboring. And yeah, he definitely has one of those hideous pasts. The funny ones always do.]

[ A snarky 'you're welcome' dies on his tongue, mid turn to check the timer on the casserole.

Wade's entire posture changes at Peter's suggestion. Instead of the easygoing slouch he usually holds that makes him look like he's trying to look just a little less imposing and suspicious than he actually is, his spine goes rigid and straight, body tense like he's ready for a fight that Peter definitely isn't prepared to get into.

One giant word bounces around his head, in big bright neon lights Vanessa, followed by about a thousand other horrible words reminding Wade just how awful he really is. How he can't settle down and start a family. How he can't even protect her or make his way back to her. She's better off without him. Fuck, everyone is, and he knows it. Even Peter is.

His gaze stays on the timer, watching it tick down the seconds, but not really seeing or registering it. All he can really see at the moment is her smile. It has his eyes stinging with tears that are threatening to spill if he doesnt do something. Wade blinks a couple times, glad his back is to Peter. ]

Sure, they're sold in cans in weird jelly form to be enjoyed during the holidays, but does anyone actually enjoy them? They're the sad berries that people with kidney and bladder problems try to pretend are good. People also eat kale but I'm not convinced either.

[ Continuing on with a topic that meant nothing was a great sign... right? The timer goes off and Wade rushes to the oven pulling it open and grabbing the far too hot casserole dish with his bare hands. At first, it doesn't seem like he realises what he's done, but then he's setting it down on the counter and kicking the oven door closed with a slam that can't be good for it. ]

Shit! I forgot my oven mitts! Help yourself Peter! [ Also probably an alarming sign, or maybe not. He calls him Peter all the time, right? ] I'm just gonna, make sure this doesn't bounce to you. [ He's already out of the room before he even finishes his sentence. There's a moment of rustling as Wade scurries towards the front door and then... yeah... Peter, you've been bamboozled, he has definitely fled his own house. ]

Edited 2019-03-31 07:18 (UTC)

[Sometimes he wishes he had a spider sense for saying stupid shit. Or at least one that would warn him for reactions to the stupid shit he says. At first he's a little lost for words, confused, and then the telltale signs of distress start to form: sudden rigidity, a moment of sharp silent stillness, and the rambling —

He flinches hard at the oven door looking a little stunned, because Wade just reached into his oven and his bare hands, and he's not so sure it was an accident, and he's just. Alarmed and mortified with his mug and his Oreos. This is the part where you get up and go make sure he's alright, but then again, if he makes a move for him he'll probably get burnt hands bounced to him. And also, he's fucking horrified.

So he just watches with gaping mouth as Wade rushes away, up until he's about to get out the door-]

Wade, wait!

[Nevermind, the door has slammed, and he's sitting there dumbstruck.]

[So he just... sits for another minute or two, processing. It doesn't really take a lot of thinking before he considers what could've possibly gotten him that kind of awful reaction. He's already in a delicate place, and Peter's gone and fucked that all up himself, huh? He's really just. Garbage at this.

Weirdly, Wade will find he doesn't chase him like he usually does.

In fact, he actually gives him his space for once.

And when he returns, there are a number of things to note:

One, there is a plate with casserole on it, half-eaten, on the coffee table.

Two, there is an envelope next to it, one Wade will recognize that had been taped under the coffee table, labeled 'WADES SECRET ENVELOPE (DON'T TOUCH OR I'LL STAB YOU) 🗡🗡🗡 — because apparently, god sent down a sign to lay on the floor in defeat so he can find the hidden stash of Ness, which is somehow worse to discover than the cocaine.

Three, Peter Parker is laying facedown on the floor, planking in pure miserable guilt.

There's a picture from the envelope in one of the stiffly straight hands at his sides.

Muffled, defeated, he says:]

I'm sorry I upset you.

[ Wade spends enough time away from his house that he fully expects Peter to be gone when he gets back... He'd waited outside the grocer shop he knew didn't officially open until 6am but the owner always got there early and Wade had chatted at them until they relented and let him in. After that it became a habit if he found himself needing anything in the middle of the night. Apparently, what he'd needed was... chip clips for his blanket cape so he could de-cape and turn it into something akin to a toga, a pair of of periwinkle oven mitts and a box of dehydrated cranberries.

So, what he doesn't expect to see when he returns home is a dead slug of a Peter Parker on his floor, and at first it has him rushing into the room little faster than he normally would, before he sees Peter move slightly, and... oh, yeah he's breathing... He's just...

Being weird. Wade stills when he takes further stock of the room.

Did he not like the casserole? It's a stupidly weird question to have first, even as his eyes find the envelope. He's not sure if what he's feeling is betrayal that Peter ignored any personal boundaries or weirdly touched that he did. It's a weird mixture. Really, he's just feeling raw from actually talking about what happened to Laura and thinking about Vanessa and his inability to ever fill any normal niche other than ruthless mercenary.

His eyes find Peter again when he speaks, well, more like his eyes find the photo. Somehow his voice comes out even and casual, even if he feels almost all things except that. ] It's all good in the hood, Petey-Pie Sweetie-Pie Honey Bunches of Oats. [ Aren't nicknames supposed to be shorter? As he talks he sifts through the bag he'd gotten, pulling the box of cranberries out and staring at them for a moment before shrugging like he's forgotten why he bought them and then he's tossing them carelessly over his shoulder. ]

You're brave. I would rather dive face first into a pool of liquid rabies than lay face down on my floor.

[ Honestly it shouldn't be too bad... They did clean it when he had his hissy fit. There's an awkward half second of pause before Wade's talking again, clearly trying to fill the silence with noise. He pulls out the oven mitts and tosses them towards the kitchen, like they actually needed any. ]

You didn't even eat all your casserole, the chef is feeling insulted. Are we going to be giving the rest to Mikey? The chef is also considering buying a Spy Chix for his diary to keep the snooping boys out. I get it, I made a milkshake once. [ Oh no, he's just going to punch blindly into this conversation apparently, making it sound as light hearted as he possibly can. ] I see you met Ness. [ Wade stands there awkwardly for a moment, just watching Peter, and feeling a big old unsure on what he should be feeling right now. After a bit of hesitating he heads over to the couch and yanks something up from between the back cushions and then pulls it down over his head. He looks ridiculous in his mask and makeshift toga, but he doesn't seem to care. Does he ever? ]

Edited (grammar is a thing i sometimes use) 2019-03-31 22:32 (UTC)

I liked the casserole. It's a good casserole. Gordon Ramsey would have said something like "finally, some good fucking food." [He used an f-bomb for you, look at that (and clearly it's prime example that he really feels bad, like, really, really bad). He turns over a little, just enough to look at Wade from where he's decided to make the floor home; there, Wade can see peak guilt, Peter Parker style. Damn bambi eyes.] ... Yeah, uh. We had a long talk. She said you suck at hiding places.

[But he sounds miserable saying that.]

... I shouldn't have looked.

I just saw it from down here, and for some reason, the threat of daggers compelled me to look at it.

I'm sorry.

I said it before, but you know. Sorry. Again. Did I mention I was sorry?

[ The joke and the f-bomb has wade scoffing just slightly, in any other situation he'd probably be over the moon, hooting and hollering... But really all he can do is move to lay down next to Peter on the ground, the expression on his mask not giving much away. The only telling thing is that he looks a bit sad in the eyes maybe.

Damn Bambi eyes indeed. ] I'm so proud of you, using your one fuck. For me.

[ He reaches out to squeeze Peter's shoulder in an attempt to comfort him. ]

Yeah, well, I only did win hide and seek twice. A pretty terrible average if you ask me.

[ His hand pulls away from Peter's shoulder to reach down for the photo, ridiculously gentle in its mission of reclaiming the photo in Peter's hand.

Yes, Peter, you said sorry a few too many times now. ]

What else did you guys talk about? [ Yes, this is definitely his way of asking Peter to ask whatever he wants to ask. ]

[Dude, don't comfort me, I'm not the one needing the comfort.

(Or maybe he does, but it's not like he's bothered admitting how shitty home is... ever.)

But maybe it was fate. To set Wade off, flop on the ground, and find evidence of why he'd be set off by such a dumb comment. There's probably not a single person in this town who doesn't have some kind of great, terrible tragedy hidden under their masks... or, uh. Whatever else they symbolically or literally wear. It just sucks to be the one to unearth it and cause someone else such an ache.]

... Oh... y'know... Exchanging hair styling techniques... Where to judo chop someone for maximum effect...

Usual gal talk.

[Jokes are such a great defense technique, and they always solve every problem.

Always.

There's a long pause.]

I'm guessing you beat yourself up over it... A lot.... Maybe to an unhealthy degree, judging by how you decided the best way to excuse yourself is making your kitchen smell like burned skin.

[Which was horrible, btw.]

[ He looks at the photo, Ness looking as beautiful and happy as ever. It makes him feel like someone scraped out his heart and left a gaping hole. ]

She's more of a punch you in the face sorta lady. She knows better than to believe in judo chops.

[ He pauses, head tilting so he can look past the photo to Peter. ]

I got her killed. She died because I wasn't fast enough. I fixed it. I took Cable's TARDIS and went back in time and murdered the fuck out of the guys that killed her. I'm probably the worst thing that's ever happened to her.

[ His gaze falls back to the picture. ]

I'm starting to think I've got so much cancer I'm just starting to become it. [ Despite how sad he sounds at the thought, he laughs like it's a joke anyway. ] She wants babies, she wants a normal fucking life where we pay the bills, raise kids, watch musicals on Fridays. I can't even keep her alive without some stupid fucking writer trying to fridge her.

[ Wade's pretty sure he deserves this place.

He sniffs through a stuffy nose. Look, Pete. You made him cry. He sniffs again, and lets out another laugh. ]

Sheesh, wow, late nights, huh? They really get to ya.

[ Wade Wilson doesn't have walls he puts up. He just talks people away from him. ]

I'll spare stabbing you this time because that'd just be a waste. No one can say I'm not a merciful god.

[ He sits up and reaches for the envelope. ]

Magnanimous? That's always a fun word to say. Like chimichanga and snickerdoodle and buy one get one free tacos at Maria's Taco Stand.

... Oh, god. Don't cry — if you cry, I'll cry, and then we'll have to go out and buy kleenex, because there's no way in hell I'd use any box of kleenex at your house—

[Except he looks and sounds worried, like someone who doesn't want to embarrass Wade but also knows he can't mask his sympathy pangs. God, that's just depressing, DP, and it makes his heart and stomach twist around all screwed-up-like. Peter knows what it's like, for someone to die because you're not fast enough. He's done it over and over and over — civilians, mostly, but also some of the most important people in his life. Failure is hard, and he's not gonna pretend he didn't cry after a number of those moments where he was so close.

A hush falls over them, as he sits up, too, looking over with a frown.]

... I bet if I asked her opinion about everything you just said, she'd say something really different.

That's usually how it goes.

[ Wade turns to look at him, mask pretty expressionless for someone who is usually emoting through it. Does someone as expressive as him even know how to school his features? ]

Yeah, love does that. It makes you blind to all the shitty stuff. [ It's dangerous when it comes to guys like him. There's far more shitty stuff in his life than should ever be overlooked and he knows it. It's even more dangerous that she makes him feel like he can overlook the shitty stuff. She can get him drunk on the feeling that it's not just another intermission between another train wreck.

He takes in a deep breath. ] So you're a social crier, huh?

[ He looks back at the picture of Vanessa, apparently not quite ready to stick it back in the envelope. ]

[He absolutely studies that expressionless mask. For a sign of anything, really.]

Oh, yep. I have the embarrassing honor of stumbling out of the theater after Marley and Me and telling everyone my red, swollen eyes were 100% allergies. I'll cry watching dramatic Oprah clips on youtube. Really, the sky's the limit.

[He's joking a little. But only a little.]

Wow. [ He lets out a small laugh. ] I cried at the scene in Up. You know the one.

[ Finally he slips the photo into the envelope. Then another snuffle follows and it's hard to tell if he's still crying or if it's just leftovers. ]

Guess we can never watch The Notebook together, huh?

[ And there's some emotion, he still just looks sad, despite cracking jokes. ]

Yep, sure do.

[Up's a pretty good choice for waterworks.

He just sits there patiently, though, frowning a little.]

... I'm guessing it's a good thing I've never viewed this sad movie you speak of, huh? Watching literally anything that doesn't make my eyes sweat sounds more my scene.

... Sorry I screwed up making you feel better.

I swear I'm usually better at this.

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I'm here to hurt u

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i don't care that it's spider-man it's the perfect icon

these idiots

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