[PSL] The Vinsmokes vs. Spider-Man

[quipsandthwips]

[Peter Parker is doing fine.

Let him re-phase that: he's adapted and adjusted accordingly. Look, it hasn't been easy. Deciding to remain friends with MJ and still finding himself without an actual job or home to speak of doesn't beat losing both his mentor and his last surviving family member. There are empty spaces in his life that he tries not to linger on too long — but god, he misses May's smile, her voice, her kindnesses. It had taken so long to accept Ben's death... and now it's, just... it's hard. It's easier to just be Spider-Man for a while.

Crime doesn't sleep, after all. So yeah, homeless. That's no biggie. He's been there before. He mainly just works at FEAST with the homeless (he relates, and the new head honcho Miriam knew Peter was on the streets somehow, so he makes his keep there by volunteering. He, um. He gets to sleep in May's old office. It's... nice. There are still pictures and stuff hanging up that nobody had dared move.

So he's only sort of homeless now.

Anyway. Not important. What is important is keeping tabs on the villain activity around here. With most of the villains locked up aboard the Raft (not gonna even think about Dr. Octavius right now, because it still hurts too much), it's mainly these little obnoxious crime families and gangs; Kingpin had been the leader of all the gang activity before his arrest. And now it's this crime family. The Vinsmokes. Hard to get them arrested, and they've got so many secret strings being pulled all over. It makes for a real pain in the ass to deal with. He hasn't gotten a chance to catch the head honcho with anything criminal yet, but boy oh boy has he busted soooo many drug deals, weapons manufacturing, stolen goods deals — and so on.

Most of the grunts are easy-peasy. The literal family are all a bunch of super-powered heathens like him. Cool. He's gotten, like, three of them locked up on the Raft... only to have them somehow bought out, or released for shoddy police work, or something or another. Now there's just one locked up, but it's only a matter of time before Daddy Vinsmoke does his magic.

Ugh. He hates it.

2:30 a.m., and he's down by the docks and sticking against a nearby wall as fake money exchanges hands.]

Hey, do those work on any vending machine?

I'm dying for a bag of Doritos right about now.

Comments

[concasse]

... Uh. "Fancy" might be a stretch...

[Like, he found some cheese in the fridge? And there's a few slices of wonder bread lying around to boot. Combined with everything else sitting pitifully on the counter, Sanji rubs at his chin, and glances in Peter's direction.]

Tuna casserole sound alright? Because that's what you're getting.

[So they'll be fed, it's just not gonna blow anyone's socks off]

Listen, it's the best I can do under pressure and with your poor fuckin excuse for groceries.

[quipsandthwips]

[..............]

You can really make that out of this?

[This is more serious than anything else ever, hold the presses, stop everything.]

I mean — of course you can! I shouldn't even be surprised. You're only one of the best chefs I've ever seen. Okay, maybe I don't know many chefs, but...

[concasse]

[Looking... a little dumbfounded at the reaction he's getting, so much that Sanji has to stop eyeing the ingredients and shoot Peter another look of confusion.

It's not even that he's unused to praise -- hell, he can't go a day of work without someone thanking him for the grub -- but Peter just sounds so damned amazed, and that's...]

Tch, being a great chef's got nothing to do with it. [A shrug, a pause, in which he rubs at his reddening ears and tries to scoff. Doesn't work, but shit, he tried.]

You just get used to pairing certain ingredients together, it's not that different from chemistry.

[-- Or so his mother would say, is the evasive thought that crosses his mind, and feels his chest tighten briefly before he huffs and straightens his shoulders]

Won't take but 30 shitty minutes.

[quipsandthwips]

Uhh, if it's so much like chemistry, why did I almost burn down an apartment with dumplings?

[He grins, leaning back on his hands as he's perched.]

You're awesome, just accept your defeat. Your only consolation is I'll let you pick something on TV while we chow down; I have channels. Like, sixty of them. Isn't that crazy? And here I thought I'd just have a static-y version of PBS in this complex.

[concasse]

Prooobably because you're an idiot.

Or you have no idea the properties of food and how much heat is too much.

[Smirking, lightly, though uh, absolutely making no comment about accepting defeat or whatever else bullshit Peter is trying to sell. The channels, though--

60, he says. That's cute. You're cute, Peter.]

Don't really watch TV -- I'll let you pick. My consolation can be you not bothering me while I cook.

[quipsandthwips]

Wow. You act like I'm not the best company for cooking!

[He considers it for a moment, though.]

I could always just turn on the TV guide and let it scroll forever. They do have TV Guide still, right...? Oh! Or I can dust off that VCR player Celeste gave me — which I'm pretty sure is haunted, but you know how I like a little thrill in my life...!

[He hops off the counter, and vanishes into The Room of Boxes.]

If you see any spirits floating around, at least give me a head's up!

That way I can bargain that they can have you if they just let me leave in peace!

[concasse]

[immediately POKING HIS HEAD 'ROUND THE CORNER SO PETER CAN HEAR HIM PROPERLY]

-- You know with that shitty attitude, you'll never get fed, right?

[And then also vanishing on his end, too, because there's a meal to prepare and all. Though he'll keep to his promise -- making a tuna casserole doesn't take all that much preparation. Just chopping up the veggies, layering the ingredients, toasting up the bread and crumbling it into chunks over the finished product hot out of the oven, along with plenty of cheese.

To Sanji's standards? Not the best thing he's ever made, and he wishes they'd had a wider variety of ingredients. But it doesn't look too bad, either. Wiping his hands on a stray towel, he decides that'll just have to do.]

Oi. Pete' it's done.

[quipsandthwips]

[He pops up on the other side of the counter like a meerkat out of a hole in the ground.]

Thank god. You can't see it but I totally gnawed my own leg off to survive.

[... Die Hard comes floating up from behind the counter, too.]

How about a Christmas movie? Or maybe How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days?

... The Lion King?

1/2

[concasse]

[... Oh no.

He loves Disney movies]

[concasse]

[He's also not about to admit that shit, so:]

Uh, you... choose.

[Rubbing awkwardly at his neck]

I've only seen one of those, anyway.

[quipsandthwips]

[He HUUUUUUUUMMMMMMMMS in thought.]

Man, I don't know... This is a hard choice...

Timone and Pumba are the dream team, though. I can't deny I could use some of that.

[He tucks all three VHS tapes under his arm, wandering into Sanji's personal space to lean in and smell the casserole for approval (which is pretty easily won, it's Peter Parker).]

Man, that smells so good.

The last time I cooked something, it smelled like nail polish.

[concasse]

-- I'm gonna at least teach you how to boil water tomorrow.

[Gonna make your aunt proud, Peter, once Sanji shows you how to work all the shiny knobs on a stove top without burning something. Because the look he shoots Peter is down right dismayed, and followed on the heels of Sanji nudging Peter in the ribs with his elbow.]

Oi oi, if you're gonna hover, get some plates.

[... muttering quickly as he goes to fetch the utensils]

And the Lion King's, uh -- that's fine.

[quipsandthwips]

Oh, right. Plates. Did we unpack the plates...

[He goes wandering off yet again to The Box Room.

... And calls out:]

Lion King's a masterpiece!

And I totally know how to boil water! That's one of the only steps I can do!

[.............]

Maybe we should just eat it around out of the pan...?!

[Is this Peter Parker, referring the easiest solution possible instead of digging through a bunch of boxes?




Yes.]

[concasse]

[Peter Parker is a Heathen but this tuna casserole is going to taste a lot better hot than it will lukewarm. So even if it's against his high brow sensibilities...]

Fine, you animal. We'll eat from the pan.

[GUESS HE'LL JUST TAKE IT TO THE... living room? Which one's the living room? Probably the room with the TV, he figures, and places the still steaming hot pan on the ...

Do they have a table set up yet? No? Right then, Sanji stews in judgmental silence before huffing a relenting sight and putting his hard work onto a stray, sturdy box.]

And of course it's a masterpiece. Most Disney films are.

[Well, the classics are. Sanji is definitely one of those "BACK IN MY DAY" Disney fans who would whip someone for saying they preferred Frozen to The Little Mermaid]

[quipsandthwips]

[.....................

Peter grins so very wide, twirling a spoon around between his fingers like its a drumstick.]

Is Fancy Sandy a Disney film buff?

An all-knowing critic and fanboy of the mouse ears?

[This is perfect. The best move-in ever. He's thrilled.]

[concasse]

-- Oi oi, I'm wearing sweat pants and a hand-me-down sweater, how fuckin fancy do you think I am?

[It's not even suspicion on Sanji's part; he just hates being called out like this?? Hello???]

Also: fuck you. The food's getting cold, so shut up and eat already.

[quipsandthwips]

Don't even pretend you're not some fancy-shmancy chef type that would wear one of those ten-story tall hats.

[But he can't stop grinning like an asshole, as he starts digging into the food. Literally one bite in and he's melting against the back of the couch, groaning a muffled groan. Whadda pig.]

I feel like I haven't eaten in years, I'm so hungry. This food's enchanted, isn't it? This is gonna be a Hansel and Gretel thing. You're gonna shove my bloated tuckus into a cauldron later, aren't you?

[He's the worst and should be thrown out the window really.]

[concasse]

[Sanji is so damned tempted to try tossing Peter out a window, I'll have you know.

Just throw the whole bastard away]

Tch! Like I'd put that much effort into cooking you. If I wanted to turn into a shitty wendigo, it wouldn't because of your wiry ass, that's for sure.

[Taking a much more dignified bite of his food as he reclines into the couch, and... eh. It's alright. Not his best, as he already suspected, which makes him all the more secretly amused by Peter's antics]

And have you ever tried wearing those hats? Either you staple 'em to your head or they get in the way.

[... No one in this room should be surprised that Sanji wore a ten-story chef hat. Of course he fuckin did]

[quipsandthwips]

[He leans back, spoon hanging out of his mouth for a moment-]

You really wore those? A real chef's hat?!

Dude. We need to get you one for FEAST, ASAP.

[He may or may not also jab the squeaky-cleaned spoon at Sanji, for effect.]

[concasse]

You could not pay me enough to wear that hat, bastard.

[Also so long as that spoon isn't jabbed in his side --

at which point he'll make an undignified squawk and scoot away bc

he's ticklish

you asshole]

[quipsandthwips]

[... Peter stares for a moment.

And then a concerningly mischevious grin pulls across his lips, as he wriggles his fingers with sinister intentions.]

Ohohoho... A natural weakness...

Whatever should I do with this new information?

/returns with upgraded account again and starbucks

[concasse]

You can keep your goddamn hands and spoons to yourself!!

[They've escalated to screaming. This is going well.

And Sanji is not about to scoot back next to Peter under any circumstances, huddled against the couch end like a lady trying to protect her dignity.]

And it's not a weakness! Some people were just born with sensitive bodies!

[quipsandthwips]

I'll bet!

[It's famous last words as he lunges and prepares to dig his rude-ass fingers into Sanji's sensitive ribcage.

Is he about to die? Maybe. But at least he can die accomplished.

Livin' the dream right now, this one.]

[concasse]

[Peter will absolutely die if he can't dodge Sanji's feet.

But assuming God is on his side, the other makes a precision strike that immediately draws a squirm and a guffaw from Sanji before he just starts howling obscenities for Peter to get off, you goddamned bastard!

-- That he's laughing helplessly and still looking for escape kind of undercuts the threat though, so.

RIP buddy.]

F-fuck you! I hate you! Go to hell already!

[IS THERE A PILLOW HE CAN RETALIATE WITH? NO? FINE he'll just start smacking Peter on the back or shoulders or wherever he can reach in an desperate bid to make him get off]

I'm never feeding you again!

[quipsandthwips]

[Peter's not even remotely focused on just how close their proximity is, to be honest; he's such a big manchild sometimes, and in this instance he's just thinking about how absolutely enjoyable it is to tickle a man to near-death. But at that last bit, he gasps SO DRAMATICALLY, pulling back his hands.]

Whoa whoa whoa, going to hell or hating me is one thing —

But never feeding me again? You've gone too far!

[How offensive!]

I'll starve! I'm still a growing boy with a fast metabolism!