[PSL] The Vinsmokes vs. Spider-Man

[quipsandthwips]

[Peter Parker is doing fine.

Let him re-phase that: he's adapted and adjusted accordingly. Look, it hasn't been easy. Deciding to remain friends with MJ and still finding himself without an actual job or home to speak of doesn't beat losing both his mentor and his last surviving family member. There are empty spaces in his life that he tries not to linger on too long — but god, he misses May's smile, her voice, her kindnesses. It had taken so long to accept Ben's death... and now it's, just... it's hard. It's easier to just be Spider-Man for a while.

Crime doesn't sleep, after all. So yeah, homeless. That's no biggie. He's been there before. He mainly just works at FEAST with the homeless (he relates, and the new head honcho Miriam knew Peter was on the streets somehow, so he makes his keep there by volunteering. He, um. He gets to sleep in May's old office. It's... nice. There are still pictures and stuff hanging up that nobody had dared move.

So he's only sort of homeless now.

Anyway. Not important. What is important is keeping tabs on the villain activity around here. With most of the villains locked up aboard the Raft (not gonna even think about Dr. Octavius right now, because it still hurts too much), it's mainly these little obnoxious crime families and gangs; Kingpin had been the leader of all the gang activity before his arrest. And now it's this crime family. The Vinsmokes. Hard to get them arrested, and they've got so many secret strings being pulled all over. It makes for a real pain in the ass to deal with. He hasn't gotten a chance to catch the head honcho with anything criminal yet, but boy oh boy has he busted soooo many drug deals, weapons manufacturing, stolen goods deals — and so on.

Most of the grunts are easy-peasy. The literal family are all a bunch of super-powered heathens like him. Cool. He's gotten, like, three of them locked up on the Raft... only to have them somehow bought out, or released for shoddy police work, or something or another. Now there's just one locked up, but it's only a matter of time before Daddy Vinsmoke does his magic.

Ugh. He hates it.

2:30 a.m., and he's down by the docks and sticking against a nearby wall as fake money exchanges hands.]

Hey, do those work on any vending machine?

I'm dying for a bag of Doritos right about now.

Comments

/COMES IN LATE AND WITH LITERAL STARBUCKS

[concasse]

[One would think being the son of a crimelord would at least promise Sanji a good time in life -- maybe not a long one, but the best lives are like fireworks anyway, an explosion of color and then you blink out of existence.

But no, turns out that's not how it works on this bitch of an Earth. Even though Sanji is afforded every type of privilege life can offer him, all he's gotta do is snap his fingers, it's in the in-betweens of it all that the tediousness resides. There's nothing but paperwork, business deals, and assholes throwing their weight around like roosters bidding for the top penthouse in the city.

Honestly? Downright boring. 0/10 shitty stars. Wouldn't recommend.

And being the most hated of the Vinsmoke children surprisingly comes with zero perks. Who would've thought? If there's a mess to fix, Sanji's the one sent out, because God knows his dad isn't gonna lose sleep if his third son comes home riddled with bullets. That Sanji is too competent to get caught is just a bonus -- all the more reason to make him do grunt work even the family goons stick their noses at.

He would've flown from the country already if there wasn't one bright spot in his life, a certain someone to break up the monotony. I mean, asshole picked the worst motif of all -- spiders -- but Sanji supposes beggars can't be choosers. He could do worse for a "arch rival".]

Dumbass, no vending machine here is gonna take a hundred dollar bill.

[The goons spook like cattle, money quickly hidden out of sight, but Sanji remains where he's at, flicking ash off the end of his cigarette, propped against an opposing wall to Spiderman.]

Should've gotten McDonalds on the way here.

[Say what you will about the Vinsmokes, but the only reason none of the men rush for the exit is they know their boss has got some balls on him. Blood's gonna hit the walls before the money does.]

[quipsandthwips]

[A whining whisper in his head, like a tea kettle:

Oh, nooooooooooo.

Not Sanji. That guy kicks too much. And walks on air. And is always on fire! He'd rather deal with Rhino or Scorpion. Or both. Though to be fair to Sanji, he's always had significantly more style than any of the other Sinister Six bozos... Poor Herman, he'll never become top dog. Alright, Pete, game face, you knew you might be dropping in on Curlybrow!]

Sanji, heeey! How's the new eyebrow regimen treating you? Looks like it's just going in circles. [He sounds so super chipper about it, sitting on his haunches on the side of a building like it's old pals being chummy.] Guess who upgraded their fire-proofing? This arachnid here!

[He's definitely flashing back to his first battle, stumbling through a window with burns on his chest and arms. It was nooot pretty.

"... Uh, should we shoot at him...?" That's one of your grunts, mumbling to another, looking super unsure. There's a reason they're grunts, okay.]

[concasse]

[Said curly brow twitches under the scrutiny, and those same gossiping goons are quick to take a few healthy steps back from their boss. Uh, he's kinda sensitive... about the brow... Things tend to be engulfed in flames when it's brought up...

But it's fine. It's fine! Look at how Sanji smiles like a tiger in Spiderman's direction, cigarette thrown to the ground and snuffed out with the heel of his shoes. Super chummy pals, right here!]

Oi. [To his goons]

Kill him. Decimate his corpse. And first one to land a hit gets a million bucks.

[-- WHELP. You heard the man. All three of the men whip out their automatic guns with a hoot and a flourish, and try to see how many holes they can fill the infamous Spiderman with.]

[quipsandthwips]

[WHOAAHOHOHOOO THERE.

How'd he know mentioning the eyebrows would do such a thiiiing?

He's so caught off guard. Truly. It's time to zip across the skyline and swerve his way around bullets that come at him with reckless abandon; funny how that is, too, huh? You'd think one of those would get him. Too bad the spidey-sense gives him plenty of heads up where he should and shouldn't be lingering. He throws a handful of web grenades at the group of men, and they explode in a grand spidertastic spectacle.

Careful, Sanji, those are really sticky.

You know that from experience.]

Aw, what, you can't afford a decent razor?!

Or do those things just defy the laws of hair-trimming!?

[... He wishes he could grow facial hair without looking like he's got some kind of mange on his face. Uncool. Anyway, he pinballs around the lampposts, sticking men to hard surfaces left and right.]

Just ask dad for some laser-treatment! That oughta do it!

[concasse]

[Lord, what a mouthy bastard. Sanji forgot how much he hates it when Spiderman talks. If he could just get a voiceless model, one with the web slinging and none of the other nonsense, this would actually shape up to be a fun evening...

Anyway while Spiderman is cleaning up, Sanji completely drops the furious act and pulls out another cigarette, making himself comfy on the wall. Even considers breaking open a vending machine and stealing some Cheetos. He'll move if a web strays too close to him, but otherwise...]

Oh no, you've captured all of my men. [Said in a complete deadpan over the groans of his subordinates, all of them stuck to the walls at uncomfortable angles] Didn't see that coming at all. Whatever am I gonna do now?

[Oh, maybe set his leg on fire for starters. Doesn't burn the cloth of his expensive slacks, but Spiderman's already seen that trick. Without blinking, he reaches down, lighting the cigarette with his flames, then sticks it in his mouth]

Anyway, if you're done talking shit... [Sending a haughty smirk the other's way, and finally readying his battle stance. The fire starts licking its way out.] Maybe be a little more interesting or I'll just turn this entire building into tinder.

[Is it an actual threat? Wasn't this supposed to be some simple money laundering? Hard to say with this Vinsmoke. Any of the other brothers would know damn well you don't bring down an entire building for shits and giggles, the collateral alone would get them kicked out of the family, but hey. They say the third child is a little unhinged.]

[quipsandthwips]

I'm gonna have to call your bluff there, buddy.

[Spider-Man lands atop the money laundering van (which has wheels that are conveniently webbed down to the asphalt; thank you, thank you, I'll be here all day. He's got a relaxed aura bout him as he squats, like he's just chatting with a good bud of his — one that tries to kill him, sure, but—]

You Vinsmokes are as methodical as Kingpin was with collateral, but even if you weren't —

... I have a feeling you wouldn't.

But I bet you're itching to play whack-a-spider with that matchstick leg of yours.

[He grins behind his mask.]

Remind me again, which of your brothers did I toss behind bars last week?

I'll send ya' to catch up with family stuff.

[Mouthy bastard, oh yes, yes he is.

But he'd prefer not to fight at all! See what you make him do?]

[concasse]

[...

For a beat, Sanji just stares at Spiderman, his more playful bloodlust abruptly turning sour the more the other guy talks. You'd think some shit would be sacred between them, topics they shouldn't bring up, but nah. Apparently his arch nemesis didn't catch the memo.

In a flash of fire, the flames are snuffed out from his leg entirely.]

Yonji. And he's already out. House arrest or some shit.

[Took all of three days before the strings were pulled, cut, and rearranged just as his father had ordered. Nothing but the best for his beloved sons.]

Almost seems like the shit you do has no meaning in the long run, eh? Jail's just a revolving door to us.

[A snort. Expression flatlining, Sanji takes to the air with one kick off the pavement, hands in his pockets]

Whatever. Deep frying's too good for you, so let's get this over with.

[He's not in the mood to play, suddenly. It's a risk coming at his opponent without fire, those webs are bad news for his legs, but Spiderman isn't the only one whose acrobatic under pressure.]

[quipsandthwips]

It used to be a revolving door for Fisk, too.

Just because you took over his turf doesn't change that you'll end up the same as him.

[Spent eight years trying to get that guy put away, and now he's gotta deal with all these little crime families; or, uh, the big one, mostly. The others try their best to duke it out with the Vinsmokes, but to no avail. Why can't things be simple? Like 'Godfather' simple, where all he had to worry about was someone throwing a horse head at him?

He crouches, ready to leap. Now we're playing with fi—

... Okay, we're not playing with fire. That's new.

But he'll work through it! If anything, it's a good thing, right? No fire! As Sanji leaps at him, Spider-Man does a back-flip out of his general way, throwing one of his patented 'electric web-bombs' at the guy; if he can shock him into submission, that'd be much easier than a long-winded fight, right?]

That's a shame, I'm super into deep-fried foods!

You wanna go out on a date to Coney Island after this?!

[LEMME JUST TOP OFF THE ELECTRIC WEB-BOMB WITH A BUNCHA PTOO-PTOO WEB SHOTS.

SURELY YOU CANNOT EVADE THEM ALL MY ARCH RIVAL-]

[concasse]

[Not to speak ill of another crime family (there are rules to this sort of thing, after all), but Sanji visibly rolls his eyes at the mention of Fisk. Oh, a formidable man, make no mistake of that; just one who got too comfortable being at the top and forgot how to take care of threats. It had been a little too easy slipping into the power vacuum left behind.

There's no love lost between Sanji and his father, but him? In jail for longer than he chooses? Heh, that's a load a--]

Wh-- shithead, you can't afford my tastes!

[Snapping out of his thoughts with a snarl and looking downright offended Spiderman would try and woo him with fried food, fuck you dude -- though once he notices something being thrown his way, Sanji swears and backtracks immediately, shooting himself upward to avoid the worst of the web shots. Doesn't get him any closer to Spidey, but he's not a mess of fried organs, either.]

Tch! Fancy tech coming from you.

[SORRY HE'S NOT TOUCHING IT, TRY AGAIN.]

[quipsandthwips]

What, you think I'm some monkey in a suit?! Rude!

[He thwips down to the ground, catches a big case of fake cash, and catapults it right at Sanji's head. If he can just keep the guy from reaching him, he can win this duking-it-out session — after all, the guy is mostly short-distance attacks. Also, maybe he'll break open the cache and pour money in the air. And that would look really, really cool.]

And hey! I could be a billionaire for all you know!

[HE'S GONNA GO FOR IT, HE'S GONNA GO FOR A FACE-PUNCH.

HERE HE COMES DON'T FAIL ME NOW MONEY CASE-!]

[concasse]

You're a dumbass in a suit!

[Oh Sanji makes short work of that case, kicking it to the side once its in range -- and then looking vaguely surprised by Spider-man's follow up when the asshole tries to punch him in the face.

Huh. Not too bad. It connects, enough to give the Vinsmoke a bloody nose for his troubles.

It also means Sanji pivots on the air, leg coming to swipe for the other man's ribcage. Has this guy ever been hit by Sanji's kick? Breaks boulders, dude, so try not to explode like a bloody piñata if it hits.

-- Also yes, the case explodes and rains down dollar bills. At least someone is winning here.]

[quipsandthwips]

[... Uhh.

He forgot how fast you were.

That is to say, the foot connects with full-force against his left-hand ribs, and a white explosion of stars hits him for a second before he twists himself around mid-air. He's pretty sure those are gonna be — augh — heavily bruised for a few days. But if there's one thing he has that Sanji doesn't, it's extra long limbs.

AKA his webshooters. He shoots one from his wrist, catching the front of Sanji's shirt and jerking him forward—]

Says the—

[And then promptly yanks him into his awaiting feet as he pencil-dives straight up into the air.]

—dumbass in a suit!!!

[Ignore the strained pain in his voice. Thanks, bud.]

1/2

[concasse]

[Ah, well.

That wakes him up.

It's a different sort of pain from the jab to his face, the kind that steals his breath and keeps a retort out of his lungs, jesus fuck that hurts. Coughing up a mouthful of blood, his feet lose traction in the air. If not for that web still connected to his shirt, he'd probably fall to the ground.

-- Or, y'know, he could instead just grab ahold of that foot that so unkindly jabbed him in the stomach, while the temperature in the air starts to spike. The look in Sanji's eyes? A tad too wild suddenly, more than happy to pay some of that pain back at his opponent.

It might start to get hot in a second.]

[quipsandthwips]

[And this is how things went, for a while. Days fall away from the calendar and a month or two passes without much fanfare — and no, it's not the last time these mindwashed figures show up, but... they're infrequent. It leaves Spider-Man low on leads, even as he gets closer to the truth: a guy lighting a place on fire here, a woman throwing a politician off a building there (caught safely, no worries), and a couple more carjackers who mean to do harm...

But today, Peter can spare a few hours for FEAST in the afternoon.

Because he's on an extremely important mission thanks to an impromptu conversation about Sanji's disdain for street pizza — despite never even trying it. It's a damn shame, is what it is, and... yes, Peter is a bad judge of good food, but he's a king at knowing the best pizza joints. So one day, he walks over to the cafeteria counter, plops his arms on the ledge, and says very confidently:]

We're going to a pizza joint, me and you. I gotta get you to try their stuff.

I totally already got you coverage with Gloria and everything.

[A good ol' friend's night out! That's all they need, right? Pizza and beer and darts is totally unbeatable, and this guy cannot go his whole life skimping on the NYC basics.]

[concasse]

[It's not just mindwashed bastards who keep showing up.

"Sandy" has been... consistent with his work schedule. No sudden disappearances, no call outs. A good worker through and through, and more than welcome within the ranks of FEAST. But Sanji Vinsmoke has been busy, too. His father's demands are always stupid and unreasonable, ranging from stake outs to grunt work, so that's no surprise; it's the upturn in consistency that has the man suspicious. Suddenly he'll have three missions in a row, with the head of the family demanding that his son use his brute strength to keep a lid on whatever necessary.

Break a few limbs, snap a few necks. Normal shit.

... Which Sanji tries to avoid when possible. Messy business, and not good for his chef hands. But damn, it's only through diligence and hard work that he's been able to keep his separate lives separate. There's only so many times he can bend the rules before his father turns his attention back on him -- or worse, sends his brothers to investigate why Sanji keeps disappearing in the first place.

If there's a silver lining, it's that Arachnid-Man is as annoying as ever, and a wonderful excuse for why deals keep going sour. Hey, not his fault if the spider swoops in, busts a few heads, and then sails off into the night. Also not jis fault if the two of them barely fight like they used to, settling for exchanging quips rather than blows.

It's... weird. It's suspicious. But it plays well into Sanji's plans, so. Fuck it, don't look a gift spider in the mouth, he guesses.

At least work plays out like always. His one reprieve, at this point, the only place he can relax and cook and keep his mind off things. Strange as the months have been, it's not bad getting into the rhythm of the shelter: unloading trucks and restocking the kitchen shelves, trying out new recipes for everyone to eat.

... And dealing with Peter, sometimes, who has gotten too used to Sanji's bristles. It's like the bastard can sense Sanji's glare isn't nearly as icy as it used to, and is exploiting it to his benefit.

Case in point: right the fuck now, over some goddamn pizza.]

Wha-- no. I hate their pizza.

[GRUMPY PANTS HASN'T EVEN TRIED IT, LORD]

[quipsandthwips]

You can't hate something you've never tried. [Oh shit, he's onto you.] Larry's is a great pizza joint! Nice and greasy, and totally something you both regret and don't all at the same time. Have you seriously never just — relaxed at a pizza place before?

[They've got a bar and darts and all kinds of colorful characters!

It's great! But anyway, he's not leaving, even with that boldfaced 'no'.]

Do I need to go grab Miriam? Because I'll do it.

[concasse]

First off -- that's called an abuse of power, FYI. [Pointing the broad end of a spatula directly at Peter's nose]

Secondly, no, never went to a pizza place because I already know how to make a shitty pizza.

[A pause, then abruptly correcting with a slight wince in his voice]

Well, not shitty shitty, the pizza tastes good. Just. Y'know, my version of "shitty."

[YOU GOT ALL THAT?]

[quipsandthwips]

[He crosses his arms, unyielding.]

It's not just about the pizza! There's an atmosphere! [He fans his arms out, as if making a grand speech — when it's literally just about pizza. But we all know, Peter fully endorses his pizza overlords.] And besides, sometimes cheap pizza is better than cuisine pizza. Or whatever magical pizza you sneeze out into existence with your blessed chef genes.

["Just go get some pizza, for the love of god," one of the old regulars with shockingly white hair says. "He's not gonna stop talking your ear off 'til you go."]

[concasse]

[It's like trying to shake off an overzealous puppy, Sanji notes with some mild aggravation. At least his brothers get bored of causing him shit when Sanji doesn't react the way they want. Peter, meanwhile, will absolutely keep this up until his ears bleed, so agreed there, old-timer.

He gives both of them the stink eye anyway.]

Tch.

[Listen, buckos, it's not just that Sanji isn't interested in pizza parties. There's the little detail on how his cover might be blown if he's out socializing with Good Samaritans who would probably travel miles to buy an old lady some tissues if she sneezed in his direction. Not really good for keeping low profiles!

Hence why he looks ready to turn Peter down again -- only to hiss out an irritable sigh and size the guy up]

... You're gonna regret this.

[...]

... Gimme five minutes to clean up.

[u g h]

[quipsandthwips]

You got it. Awesome! Okay, okay, I'll be — hanging out by the front.

[Oh, he brightens at that, and gives the worst thumbs up.

Why do you tolerate this guy again?

Anyway, Sanji can't use him running off to change his mind, because Gloria and company are more than happy to hurry him along if he drags his feet. "You guys have been working hard; go have a decent night out for once in your miserable lives," is exactly what she says. It's totally not a date, though, even with that Look in some of their eyes. It's just a friendly thing! Sanji needs a friend. Peter had decided this pretty soon after he'd shown up, looking like a hot mess in sweats.

And anyway, he thinks there's someone really kind and fun, under all the teeth and claws and hissing. And someone who might not always be, uh... bad. If that's the word for it. Criminals can turn their lives around, right? Even mob criminals? If Peter can... he should try to save this guy in some way, even if it's kind of a corny way, like out of a movie.

Save the guy, get him out of that life.

Wishful thinking, maybe, but...

Anyway, he's outside in a thick coat, ready to walk; it's still light out, so it's not, like, a totally scary voyage through the streets on foot. The way back'll be kinda dark. Probably. Unless Sanji quits mid-bite and leaves.

He's not about to admit he's kind of jittery, like he's worried he's not doing any of this right.

After all, the guy's not the easiest person to read.

What if he's making this awkward?]

[concasse]

[Getting Sanji to have a good time is like getting a crocodile to laugh: assumedly impossible, but that might just be because no one's ever bothered to try. Either way, once he acquiesces to Peter's demands, the man keeps to his promise and shuts up his fussing. He'll greet him outside in the same outfit he always wears -- gray sweats and a hoodie -- looking at peace with the weather despite the stinging cold.

... Though for someone who was ready to take Peter's head off when it was suggested they get food, Sanji is surprisingly on his best behavior. Or maybe his resting bitch face is losing its edge.]

So, which way we headed?

[Patting down his pockets, and then sighing when they turn up empty. No cigarettes. Of course not.]

And mind if we take a detour? Left my cigarettes somewhere...

[quipsandthwips]

[He will totally resist making a joke about Sanji's terrible fashion sense, just because he's on his best behavior. Instead he just jabs a thumb in the direction they're heading, a sort of pleased expression on his face.]

There's a place along the way with one of the best bodega cats you'll ever meet... The bodega chihuahua, not so much. It's almost got my ankles a couple of times, but sometimes that's just how it is when you're dealing with a rescue.

[He's already walking, hands in his pockets and a sort of confident stride in his step; he's in his best place, other than a lab: the city streets, where he feels like he knows the entirety of it in and out. Like the back of his hand. He's swung by so many places, learned so much about the people... learned how to protect each section to the best of his abilities.

Man, he sure hopes the city'll let him rest tonight, just a bit.

He loves rescuing her and her kids, but sometimes Spidey needs a break.]

[concasse]

[Walking half a pace behind Peter, the other might miss how Sanji's head tilts in bemusement. This man has no idea what a bodega is, so the assumption is it's a rare breed or some shit.]

You like animals?

[Assumption being yes because he can't imagine Peter not liking anything. It's like being nice is in his DNA. The type of guy that life loves to dick around, in Sanji's opinion.

... Well, he supposes in Peter's defense, he hasn't died yet. That's gotta count for something.]

[quipsandthwips]

[He blinks back at him.]

Of course! You'd be able to resist holding a puppy or kitten? C'mon.

[He kind of wants to hold one right now, since it's been brought up. Granted the dogs and cats he has to help on the streets are usually really mean — Spider-Man's greatest foe, a feral cat in a tree. But even still...!!]

I could never own pets, what with pet-free apartments. So I just visited all the shelters and bodegas and pet shops I could as a teenager, just to get some time in with the furry population.

[concasse]

Tch, s'just an animal.

[Oh he says that, but his visible eye has lightened up with amusement as Peter rambles on about ankle-high furballs.]

Damn though, I'm surprised you never tried sneaking a pet into your apartment. Doesn't everyone do that shit? You're only guilty if you get caught.

[Spoken like a crime lord's son tbh... ]