quipsandthwips | Deerington Inbox

And definitely stop touching things when there's a big sign that says not to touch them.

[ look at the judgement in his e y e s ]

[ Do you hear that Peter? It's Wade's crush getting 3x worse. The grin that finds his face is hidden behind the mask. ] I'm pretty sure I lucid dreamed you into existence. I'm a dream god.

And you know what dream gods do? Touch everything, especially the things with signs that say not to touch.

[ Speaking of touching. Wade's already pulling his glove back on. No need for his gross skin to be on show anymore. Sure, Peter hadn't stared or said anything but Wade's certain that's just because he's too polite. A kind gentle nerd. ]

But got it, I'll be sure to keep my eyes out for any grenades to swan dive face first onto if the situation arises.

[ Wade looks down at the bandaid for a moment. ] Blue's totally your colour bee tee dubs. [ He looks back up to Peter before waving his hands. ] Wait, wait no. I definitely think it's red. [ SUE HIM THAT HE LIKES THE COAT ON HIM. ] I'm torn.

[ Wade's also not sure he entirely believes Peter. No one would tell the killer to their face that it's a no from them on hanging out again. ]

[He rolls his eyes at that.

Because of course.

As Deadpool's mind combats his color-options for Peter B. Parker, the man turns and starts away.]

See you later, dude.

I've got a plate of hotcakes at the diner with my name on them — in American syrup.

[ ]

[ Yeah, did you really think you were getting away that easily? Wade moves to fall into step next to him. ] Yes.

[ Don't even worry about asking what he's saying yes to. ] I would love to keep you company while you shovel overpriced hotcakes into your mouth. [ This is what happens when you feed the local Deadpool with attention. ] Even if you have terrible taste. Next you're going to say you actually like the domestic terrorism known as Kraft American Cheese.

[ #Opinions. ]

[He gives him a LOOK, flexing his boo-boo'd hand.]

Whoawhoawhoa, What do you have against Kraft American Cheese?

[oh dear]

[ Look met and exchanged. ]

Other than the fact that it's the stuff that wasn't good enough to be cheese? Or the fact that it tastes like it's giving you stage four cancer with every bite? Or maybe the weird texture.

You know most countries don't even classify it as cheese, right? Legally it's not even classified as cheese. It's a "cheese food" or something like that. Your poor tongue. What did it do to you for you to treat it like this?

Shshsh. [ He brings a hand up to his ear as if listening. ] I can actually hear your tastebuds crying.

[SCOFF.]

If I even live long enough to worry about cancer from a childhood of Krafts.

[... Oh, right, Spider-Man is not known about in this occasion.

It's all good; he glances over.]

I live in New York City, remember? A taxi'll get me first. Or a Coney Dog with a funny aftertaste.

Haaa! [ Wade slaps the back of his shoulder gently, like Peter has just told a great joke. ] Nihilism! Love it!

Don't worry, I've been hit by like .... fifteen taxis... it only sucks if you manage to survive long enough for the face full of glass.

Sooo... What does totally adult Peter Parker get up to in his free time?

[He sneezes and sniffs, rubbing his nose.]

Shriveling up in the wintertime.

Also, pining for a Coffee Bean with really, really good heating systems.

... Man, they had great free wifi.

[Sorry, did you want a more fruitful answer?]

No, no. None of that. I gave you my magical warm coat. You can't be all sneezy.

[ Okay, Wade can't really judge but he's going to anyway. ] Alright... That all sounds really... not good. This is coming from the guy that has Golden Girls marathons, Bob Ross marathons and drinks drain-o in his spare time, so it's not really fair for me to judge you when I have such an amazing routine going. But... Yeah... Wow...

You any good at arcade games? [ Pete save yourself, run away now. ]

[A huff, as he rubs a hand over his nose.]

It's just leftovers from a cold. Turns out, ghost women on a lake are really good at making you sick. [And that's if you're nice and hold their hand. Uncool.] Also, stop drinking drain-o, man. That's nuts an... probably bad for you. Even if you heal. And what if you give someone nearby drain-o poisoning? You'll feel really crappy about it.

[... Wait, are you interrupting his lecturing about self-care?

How dare you. He's not gonna dignify you with an answer-]

... I guess I play a pretty mean Pac-Man.

[Good job, Pete.]

[ Ugh. He's not even gonna pretend he was paying attention to the self-care lecture. ]

You'd really think ghost women on a lake would, I don't know. Do the whole drowning thing. Not give you a cold.

[ Either way, Wade's already making a mental note to keep more of an eye on Pete to keep him safe. ]

Ahh Pac-Man. The first male game character to teach you it's okay to swallow. [ This is who Wade is. Let him be a glorious butterfly. ] I'm pretty sure there's an arcade with our name on it after our foray into diner food.

Are you proud of yourself for that one? [He looks humored, though, if not exasperated as usual. Sometimes he's pretty sure someone prayed for an R-Rated, more stabby Spider-Man and got Deadpool.] Also, not to be a buzzkill or anything, but — I'm kinda broke. I could probably throw a few bucks at whatever they've got there, though...

Do they have prizes there?

I'm kind of concerned at what sort of prizes Deerington would have.

Very. Though I was hoping for a laugh or a snort or something. We'll get there. [ All he wants is to make Peter laugh. He's such a tough crowd though. ]

I can pay, dont worry about that. [ He's been doing odd jobs for the Betties. ] It'll be just like a date, except I wont hold you to the ridiculous standard of a goodnight kiss. [ Heart eyes. ]

Yeah all kinds of prizes. Dunno if they do anything weird. I'll get you the biggest bear there.

[ Heart eyes. ]

[At that, he snorts on purpose, a big dramatic pig snort.]

There, that one's for you.

[... What, it's a solid response joke.

And obviously, this is all just jokes.

You just, y'know, fake-flirt with him for laughs. He gets it, totally.]

... If this 'biggest bear' comes to life and tries to strangle me with a slinky, don't hesitate to use those pointy weird things on your back.

No, it's too late now, the joke was over and done with. [ Is that the sound of a pout in his voice?? Excuse you, his flirting is real. It's amazing he isn't floating in the air following Peter around with hearteyes. ]

Pointy weird-- [ GASP!

OH GOD. Now he's drawing his Katanas. ] Don't call Bea and Arthur weird! They've done nothing wrong in their lives. [ Wade is a nightmare to anyone with anxiety. ]

Why am I not surprised that—whoa!

[He holds his hands up, looking at them with wide eyes and a frown. It's mostly about the act of responding like a normal dude would, but he's also a touch worried whenever weapons are flaunted. It's a Spider-Man thing.]

Heyheyhey, put away the sharp Golden Girls!

You could poke an eye out with those, and mine definitely don't grow back.

They want to hear you apologise and then they'll go back home and cry themselves to sleep. Or is that me? [ Haaaaah. ]

While I appreciate fully that you recognise Golden Girls references, I'm not going to poke any eyes out. Unless I'm trying to. And they certainly wouldn't be Bambi doe eyes.

[ Despite what it seems, Peter is probably the safest person in Deerington at this moment. ]

... I'm not gonna apologize to a pair of swords.

[A BRAVE AND BOLD CIVILIAN.]

Shhhshshsh. It's okay. They forgive you.

[ Brave and bold civilian meet the biggest shithead in existence. Okay, he'll put them away now. He guesses. ]

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