quipsandthwips | Deerington Inbox

I can't stop thinking about what if she hadn't been like me

[ He can't get the image out of his head either. Of her torn out throat. ]

It's nothing, forget it.
I'm just sorry I wasn't there to help.

also I'm gonna make 'shut up' coupons to use for this exact thing.

[Okay, but joking's good. Jokes are good! But also, this is the worst.]

Bullshit, though.
If healing factors fixed everything, you wouldn't be kicking yourself over something you didn't even want to have happen. You didn't almost kill the kid, Wade. You got hurt and it's the thing that attacked you to blame.

You get that, right?

It's not like I don't get it, tho.

When something bad happens to someone, and you could have stopped it if things went differently or if you'd been just a little bit 'better', it messes with you.

kinda glad you weren't
that place was a Grade A Ryan Murphy and Brad Falchuk horror show

oooh you used a big boy word
say fuck just for me

[ Is joking good? Wade uses them to hide trauma way too often. Also he uses them to avoid questions he REALLY isn't sure how to answer... like "You get that, right?" ]

What bad thing happened that you couldn't stop but should have been able to?

[ Unlocking Peter Lore??? Maybe it'll distract him. ]

Sorry, I'm PG-13, gotta save my curses.

[There's a long, long pause — and maybe a few written and erased replies.]

Just trust me when I say I've got my share.
We've all got our demons, right?
I just don't want you to think this is on you, you didn't take her down there and you didn't get hurt on purpose. It's not your fault no matter how much if feels like it is. It was just an unfortunate thing that had a thankfully better ending than expected.

I'll share my hard R rating with you
live a little

[ :( Must be 8% or higher to unlock that backstory I guess. ]

I don't have any demons.
100% demon free

[ Bullshit, and they both know it. Wade's got so much baggage and demons that at this point it's hard to tell which he has more of. He hoped hearing... well, reding that from someone else would make him feel better. But it just makes him feel worse, as fifteen new arguments about how it was his fault spring to mind. ]

pretty sure me healing an injury onto her is definitely my fault
I think that falls under 'exclusively my fault'

If someone shot at a person and they moved out of the way and it hit me, I'm not gonna blame the person trying not to get shot??? I'm gonna blame the asshole who shot at us!

Blaming the right party — you should try it sometime. ☝

If I had been paying more attention neither of us would have gotten hurt.

[ This sounds familiar, huh? But Wade is definitely going to use that argument Peter just used against him in the future. So, expect that one. But for now, he's just displeased by it. ]

forget it.
I'm over it like I was never under it
night
xoxoxo

Hey!
you can't just wake me up and freak me out and bail on me
I'm not going back to sleep at this point

Did you know the 'x' in xoxo is how a lot of illiterate people signed documents? They'd draw an 'x' to symbolize this old christian symbol, and then kiss it to show their sincerity in signing it.

IDK about Os, nothing about an O looks like a hug to me, but w/e.

[... He just wants to make sure Wade's okay through the night, really.]

[ He doesn't really know what to say to that. Does he apologise? Is he sorry? In the time that he debates what to say, Peter's sending him another message, thank god.

...

What a fucking nerd. ]

Not only did I not know that I'm pretty sure I never actually needed to know that
but I guess there's no going back now
maybe the arms are supposed to be the o

do you wanna come over and watch Yentl?

[ Does that sound like a bootycall....? It's surprisingly not. ]

[Peter will just take the bait and hope it’s not a bootycall, cool? Cool.]

what the heck is Yentl?
Sounds like something you serve at thanksgiving

It’s not porn is it? Promise me it’s not porn

I've never been more offended in my life
and I had to deal with Origins and Green Lantern

I do want to hear where this goes though
What kinda food would it be
I'm dying to know

It's a musical you pervert
I know you like my after using Clearasil face but reign it in
I will only go as far as hot n heavy makeouts and heavy petting unless you ask nicely
and then I'm down for just about anything

IDK something like yams crossed with green beans.
Also no no and no.
But I can come watch this probably questionable movie if you want the company.

I bet this movie's ancient

It's ancient, isn't it?
It's from the prehistoric era?

that sounds delicious
are you hungry???
I'm going to warm up a green bean casserole.
I don't know what all those nos were even to I only listed two things
I wouldn't invite you if I didn't want the company

nevermind
I take it back
I don't want you to come over anymore
I'm eating this casserole by myself

EARLY 80S
also I'm revoking your adult privileges
you're a child again.

If you're genuinely somehow in possession of an edible green bean casserole, I'll hold off on calling you old for a whole month, guaranteed.
Scout's honor.

well come here

should I come get you?
who knows who has a crowbar

[ Aw, look at Wade worrying about Peter walking around late at night in murdertown. ]

I think I'll survive the walk.
If I don't, water my half-dead plant for me?
You can have my extensive crowbar collection, featured in Guinness World Records

[THAT'S NOT FUNNY PETE-

... But he's already been dressing and jumps down from his ceiling to start out his door.

Might as well just stay in his pajamas, at this rate; ESU shirt and lumberjack-plaid sweats it is.]

I'm terrible with plants
or anything relying on me for survival actually
It's probably amazing *I* made it this far tbh
But sure I'd love to be your plant's death sentence and I'm always a fan of more weapons

[ You do you, Petey. He'll just be popping the casserole in the oven and trying to hide all signs of "I've been angsting for at least a day" away before Peter can come over and ferret them out.

He's over it. Everything is fine. He's cool as a cucumber.

Hope he wasn't expecting Wade to be in more than his Spidey boxers and a blanket cape tho.]

[Yeah, well. To be honest, he expects pretty much anything at this point — so the boxers and blanket combo? Not even remotely shocking. Though he definitely raises his eyebrows nearly to his hairline at the theme of said boxers. Ugh, Wade, he thinks, as if he doesn't totally have a few pairs at home himself.

He sighs, and wordlessly holds up a few unopened boxes of OREOs.

Comfort food for your stupid late-night freakouts. Less cocaine involved. Healthier!

... Not by much, because OREOs are practically crack.]

Peter Benjamin Parker. [ Oooh, fancy, someone learned that middle name. ] Did you bring me Milk's favourite cookie?

[ Sure, far less cocaine involved. ]

I should wake you up in the middle of the night more often if it gets me OREOs. [ He gives a vague gesture with his arm, that's probably loosely translated to "make yourself at home."

He heads over to the fridge, pulling the door open to look at what's inside like it's the first time he's actually looked in there. ] We've got... milk, beer, and orange juice... And [ He nods towards the oven. ] Take a whiff of that and eat your heart out. I think you owe me at least two months. I say this in the most grown up manner possible -- maybe not too grown up -- you're not allergic to nuts, right?

[He's not even gonna ask where you figured out the middle name.

(Because he can't remember if it was from him, honestly.)

And he plops down the hoarded OREOs he had absolutely had stowed away in his house already, sniffing the air before turning toward the oven. And it — actually... smells nice? Look, don't judge him, but he assumed it would be burnt and crispy and maybe have a boot in it. Chicken soup is one thing, but...]

... I'm allergic to nutcases.

[He fake-sneezes.

... C'mon, you know that was a good one.]

You seriously made this by yourself? Just you?

Did someone swan-dive out the window so they wouldn't get caught when I walked in?

Calm down white Will Smith. I thought you were supposed to be PC.

[ Apparently he's just decided to pour them both cups... well more like mugs... of milk and set them down on the counter, sliding one closer to Peter. ] To drown your OREOs.

And yes, as shocking as it is, I made this all by myself. And the other casseroles in the freezer too. Darlene actually stole my recipe and added cranberries. I've never been more scandalized. Who enjoys cranberries? Only bad people willingly eat cranberries in green bean casserole.

Don't tell Cable, he'll want me to stop making tacos every time he tries to make me cook dinner if he knows I'm more than a one trick pony.

Oh, thanks.

[Mildly pleasant as he takes the mug. Hard not to raise his eyebrows at the explanation, as he sits at the table and rolls his arms back a little to unwind.]

... You're pretty much a housewife, you know. Ever think about just retiring from, uh... 'superheroing' and settling down somewhere instead?

[Look, it's just... it seems like an easier, nicer life. He'd rather Wade have that, than whatever hideous past he's probably harboring. And yeah, he definitely has one of those hideous pasts. The funny ones always do.]

[ A snarky 'you're welcome' dies on his tongue, mid turn to check the timer on the casserole.

Wade's entire posture changes at Peter's suggestion. Instead of the easygoing slouch he usually holds that makes him look like he's trying to look just a little less imposing and suspicious than he actually is, his spine goes rigid and straight, body tense like he's ready for a fight that Peter definitely isn't prepared to get into.

One giant word bounces around his head, in big bright neon lights Vanessa, followed by about a thousand other horrible words reminding Wade just how awful he really is. How he can't settle down and start a family. How he can't even protect her or make his way back to her. She's better off without him. Fuck, everyone is, and he knows it. Even Peter is.

His gaze stays on the timer, watching it tick down the seconds, but not really seeing or registering it. All he can really see at the moment is her smile. It has his eyes stinging with tears that are threatening to spill if he doesnt do something. Wade blinks a couple times, glad his back is to Peter. ]

Sure, they're sold in cans in weird jelly form to be enjoyed during the holidays, but does anyone actually enjoy them? They're the sad berries that people with kidney and bladder problems try to pretend are good. People also eat kale but I'm not convinced either.

[ Continuing on with a topic that meant nothing was a great sign... right? The timer goes off and Wade rushes to the oven pulling it open and grabbing the far too hot casserole dish with his bare hands. At first, it doesn't seem like he realises what he's done, but then he's setting it down on the counter and kicking the oven door closed with a slam that can't be good for it. ]

Shit! I forgot my oven mitts! Help yourself Peter! [ Also probably an alarming sign, or maybe not. He calls him Peter all the time, right? ] I'm just gonna, make sure this doesn't bounce to you. [ He's already out of the room before he even finishes his sentence. There's a moment of rustling as Wade scurries towards the front door and then... yeah... Peter, you've been bamboozled, he has definitely fled his own house. ]

Edited 2019-03-31 07:18 (UTC)

[Sometimes he wishes he had a spider sense for saying stupid shit. Or at least one that would warn him for reactions to the stupid shit he says. At first he's a little lost for words, confused, and then the telltale signs of distress start to form: sudden rigidity, a moment of sharp silent stillness, and the rambling —

He flinches hard at the oven door looking a little stunned, because Wade just reached into his oven and his bare hands, and he's not so sure it was an accident, and he's just. Alarmed and mortified with his mug and his Oreos. This is the part where you get up and go make sure he's alright, but then again, if he makes a move for him he'll probably get burnt hands bounced to him. And also, he's fucking horrified.

So he just watches with gaping mouth as Wade rushes away, up until he's about to get out the door-]

Wade, wait!

[Nevermind, the door has slammed, and he's sitting there dumbstruck.]

[So he just... sits for another minute or two, processing. It doesn't really take a lot of thinking before he considers what could've possibly gotten him that kind of awful reaction. He's already in a delicate place, and Peter's gone and fucked that all up himself, huh? He's really just. Garbage at this.

Weirdly, Wade will find he doesn't chase him like he usually does.

In fact, he actually gives him his space for once.

And when he returns, there are a number of things to note:

One, there is a plate with casserole on it, half-eaten, on the coffee table.

Two, there is an envelope next to it, one Wade will recognize that had been taped under the coffee table, labeled 'WADES SECRET ENVELOPE (DON'T TOUCH OR I'LL STAB YOU) 🗡🗡🗡 — because apparently, god sent down a sign to lay on the floor in defeat so he can find the hidden stash of Ness, which is somehow worse to discover than the cocaine.

Three, Peter Parker is laying facedown on the floor, planking in pure miserable guilt.

There's a picture from the envelope in one of the stiffly straight hands at his sides.

Muffled, defeated, he says:]

I'm sorry I upset you.

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I'm lazy and in bed this counts

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I'm here to hurt u

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i don't care that it's spider-man it's the perfect icon