quipsandthwips | Deerington Inbox

... You literally just described Children of the Corn.

[A pause.]

But I bet he was pretty freaked out — luckily for us, we got a lot tougher going into high school. It's good that you two were around for each other; heee's gonna need all the parental eyes on him we've got, if he's anything like I was at his age...

[He takes another step back.]

Eight feet now. Give it another shot.

Trust me, I'm aware. I was making Children of the Corn jokes left and right. The kiddo didn't appreciate them though. Oh, youths.

[ It's Wade's turn to pause and just stare. ]

I'm not usually the type people want babysitting. Actually, I'm pretty much the complete opposite.

[ Parental. What a word. He jabs his finger again, not looking away from Peter ]

I'm so sorry they did that to you. Nobody deserves to have a joke go unnoticed.

[He winces as another blood droplet grows.

(He's suddenly concerned that this lasts ten football fields).]

... Ten feet.

And I mean — true, you're a little... unorthodox.

But you're a hero, right? And you obviously care.

Thank you, your condolences really make me feel a lot better about it.

[ If he's being a little overly snarky it's because he's starting to feel bad about all those winces and ouchie faces Peter keeps pulling. Yuck, he doesn't like feeling guilt, that's an icky one, someone take it back. ]

Hey, we don't have to do this. I can definitely just figure it out some other way. [ Er... With someone else. Like Cable. Or Logan....

He's not jabbing himself again, he's looking at Peter a bit like a kid waiting to be told to go to the corner and think about what he did. ]

And about the whole... hero thing. I'm more of like. A kinda hero. Like... more hero than bad guy, definitely!

[ Ah, yes. This conversation. ]

[He wags his hand as if he'd burned it instead of it being pin-cushioned, wrinkling his nose.]

I told you, I'm good. Let's keep it moving — how about twelve feet?

[He steps back, not particularly offering an ounce of slack in the answer. If he said he's gonna do something, then... he's gonna do it. No if, ands, or buts. That's just how Parkers operate. But, uh. He is admittedly shifting his attention a little to the admission.]

... I mean. I didn't really coin you as one of those shiny, holier-than-thou heroes with plastic hair and magically sparkling biceps and long-winded catch-phrases. [It was a joke, but also - let's be real, there are assholes like that.] Define 'more hero than bad guy' for me.

[ Peter is definitely going to be the death of him. He waits a moment before jabbing himself again, pouring behind the mask. Yes, that is a bottom lip poking forward. ]

What, you don't think my biceps sparkle? I'll have you know my biceps are sparklier than a strip club dressing room. [ He's just trying to fill the void of that demand with words... ugh. ] Definitions are so definite... I'd be doing us both a disservice if I even tried. I'm more like a guy that you hire to deal with the worse guys. Actually, that's pretty much exactly what I am.

Do I stop bad guys from doing bad things? Yes. Do I maim and sometimes kill the very bad guys doing bad things - also yes. But only the ones that deserve it. [ His next sentence is a little rushed like he's afraid Peter will be afraid of him. ] I wouldn't hurt someone like you - I wouldn't hurt you - I'm feeling bad enough as it is about this. I mean unless you come out as like - a child abuser or something. You don't punch kittens right?

[He stares for a moment, brow furrowed.

Clearly, he should think up some decent reply to all that, right?]

... I don't punch kittens.

I'd say I'd punch an attacking mountain lion, but I might just make a run for it.

[Very good, A+ heartfelt reply. He looks down at his finger, looking... particularly thoughtful. And difficult to get a read on. Probably not helping Wade's concern over the whole revelation, but — ]

... Uuh. That didn't bounce back. The last one.

[ Wade just stares for a moment. A bit blankly to be honest.

... ]

They say you're not supposed to run from big cats. It makes them want to chase you.

[ Suddenly, Wade is moving to close the space between them. Apparently not bouncing back at 12 feet is good enough for him. He stops in front of him, head tilted to the side. When he speaks again his voice is lower, like he's attempting to placate - something he's pretty bad at, unless he's being serious. Usually he just exacerbates situations.] I mean it. [ He tosses the sewing needle over his shoulder and reaches into the pouch with the glove hanging out to retrieve a blues clues bandaid. ]

[Peter sighs, cocking his head to the side as Wade collects a bandaid.]

... Look, Wade — you're a real pain in the ass sometimes, and I'm pretty sure you even do it on purpose at least 50% of the time — and I'm not exactly excited about the idea that you've got an apparent kill-ratio under your belt.

But — [He takes the band-aid from Wade, a sharp little gesture without any ill-will behind it, as he begins to peel it. He glances up from his finger, more serious.] If you're worried I'm gonna avoid you or something, don't. You're not a bad guy, I can tell. And as for being a hero, well—

[He flexes his hand, Blue's Clues trademark characters staring up at him.]

You don't have to be some perfect standard of hero... Just — try to do what's right, and protect the people around you with everything you've got, even if it hurts like hell.

Even if a hero like that screws up or fumbles the catch—

I think I can put my faith in that kind of person.

And definitely stop touching things when there's a big sign that says not to touch them.

[ look at the judgement in his e y e s ]

[ Do you hear that Peter? It's Wade's crush getting 3x worse. The grin that finds his face is hidden behind the mask. ] I'm pretty sure I lucid dreamed you into existence. I'm a dream god.

And you know what dream gods do? Touch everything, especially the things with signs that say not to touch.

[ Speaking of touching. Wade's already pulling his glove back on. No need for his gross skin to be on show anymore. Sure, Peter hadn't stared or said anything but Wade's certain that's just because he's too polite. A kind gentle nerd. ]

But got it, I'll be sure to keep my eyes out for any grenades to swan dive face first onto if the situation arises.

[ Wade looks down at the bandaid for a moment. ] Blue's totally your colour bee tee dubs. [ He looks back up to Peter before waving his hands. ] Wait, wait no. I definitely think it's red. [ SUE HIM THAT HE LIKES THE COAT ON HIM. ] I'm torn.

[ Wade's also not sure he entirely believes Peter. No one would tell the killer to their face that it's a no from them on hanging out again. ]

[He rolls his eyes at that.

Because of course.

As Deadpool's mind combats his color-options for Peter B. Parker, the man turns and starts away.]

See you later, dude.

I've got a plate of hotcakes at the diner with my name on them — in American syrup.

[ ]

[ Yeah, did you really think you were getting away that easily? Wade moves to fall into step next to him. ] Yes.

[ Don't even worry about asking what he's saying yes to. ] I would love to keep you company while you shovel overpriced hotcakes into your mouth. [ This is what happens when you feed the local Deadpool with attention. ] Even if you have terrible taste. Next you're going to say you actually like the domestic terrorism known as Kraft American Cheese.

[ #Opinions. ]

[He gives him a LOOK, flexing his boo-boo'd hand.]

Whoawhoawhoa, What do you have against Kraft American Cheese?

[oh dear]

[ Look met and exchanged. ]

Other than the fact that it's the stuff that wasn't good enough to be cheese? Or the fact that it tastes like it's giving you stage four cancer with every bite? Or maybe the weird texture.

You know most countries don't even classify it as cheese, right? Legally it's not even classified as cheese. It's a "cheese food" or something like that. Your poor tongue. What did it do to you for you to treat it like this?

Shshsh. [ He brings a hand up to his ear as if listening. ] I can actually hear your tastebuds crying.

[SCOFF.]

If I even live long enough to worry about cancer from a childhood of Krafts.

[... Oh, right, Spider-Man is not known about in this occasion.

It's all good; he glances over.]

I live in New York City, remember? A taxi'll get me first. Or a Coney Dog with a funny aftertaste.

Haaa! [ Wade slaps the back of his shoulder gently, like Peter has just told a great joke. ] Nihilism! Love it!

Don't worry, I've been hit by like .... fifteen taxis... it only sucks if you manage to survive long enough for the face full of glass.

Sooo... What does totally adult Peter Parker get up to in his free time?

[He sneezes and sniffs, rubbing his nose.]

Shriveling up in the wintertime.

Also, pining for a Coffee Bean with really, really good heating systems.

... Man, they had great free wifi.

[Sorry, did you want a more fruitful answer?]

No, no. None of that. I gave you my magical warm coat. You can't be all sneezy.

[ Okay, Wade can't really judge but he's going to anyway. ] Alright... That all sounds really... not good. This is coming from the guy that has Golden Girls marathons, Bob Ross marathons and drinks drain-o in his spare time, so it's not really fair for me to judge you when I have such an amazing routine going. But... Yeah... Wow...

You any good at arcade games? [ Pete save yourself, run away now. ]

[A huff, as he rubs a hand over his nose.]

It's just leftovers from a cold. Turns out, ghost women on a lake are really good at making you sick. [And that's if you're nice and hold their hand. Uncool.] Also, stop drinking drain-o, man. That's nuts an... probably bad for you. Even if you heal. And what if you give someone nearby drain-o poisoning? You'll feel really crappy about it.

[... Wait, are you interrupting his lecturing about self-care?

How dare you. He's not gonna dignify you with an answer-]

... I guess I play a pretty mean Pac-Man.

[Good job, Pete.]

[ Ugh. He's not even gonna pretend he was paying attention to the self-care lecture. ]

You'd really think ghost women on a lake would, I don't know. Do the whole drowning thing. Not give you a cold.

[ Either way, Wade's already making a mental note to keep more of an eye on Pete to keep him safe. ]

Ahh Pac-Man. The first male game character to teach you it's okay to swallow. [ This is who Wade is. Let him be a glorious butterfly. ] I'm pretty sure there's an arcade with our name on it after our foray into diner food.

Are you proud of yourself for that one? [He looks humored, though, if not exasperated as usual. Sometimes he's pretty sure someone prayed for an R-Rated, more stabby Spider-Man and got Deadpool.] Also, not to be a buzzkill or anything, but — I'm kinda broke. I could probably throw a few bucks at whatever they've got there, though...

Do they have prizes there?

I'm kind of concerned at what sort of prizes Deerington would have.

Very. Though I was hoping for a laugh or a snort or something. We'll get there. [ All he wants is to make Peter laugh. He's such a tough crowd though. ]

I can pay, dont worry about that. [ He's been doing odd jobs for the Betties. ] It'll be just like a date, except I wont hold you to the ridiculous standard of a goodnight kiss. [ Heart eyes. ]

Yeah all kinds of prizes. Dunno if they do anything weird. I'll get you the biggest bear there.

[ Heart eyes. ]

[At that, he snorts on purpose, a big dramatic pig snort.]

There, that one's for you.

[... What, it's a solid response joke.

And obviously, this is all just jokes.

You just, y'know, fake-flirt with him for laughs. He gets it, totally.]

... If this 'biggest bear' comes to life and tries to strangle me with a slinky, don't hesitate to use those pointy weird things on your back.

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