quipsandthwips | Deerington Inbox

You're still talking about dicks.
so who is really the winner here???

[ IS HE.................? ]

Did you really just text me the definition of simile????
Remember that time I told you I'd never been more turned on in my life???
It's like the opposite of that right now but like x1000

[ Urgh. ]

I only do flowers on the third date.
handjobs on the first though if you ask nice enough

[ He's probably being sarcastic.............. Probably. ]

Oh don't worry, I'm not asking.

Got more quippy perverted one-liners to get out of your system before we do this?

[OH NO HE'S ONTO YOU]

Your loss.

They come to me naturally I can't just get them all out of my system.
that would be like demanding Beethoven play amazing music without a second's notice.

[ IS HE??? ]

I'll try to clean it up for you though, baby boy.

I mean I bet he could've...
I'll be there in like 2 minutes.

And it's 'Peter', or 'Parker' if you're yelling at me about deadlines or something stupid I did.

Edited 2018-12-04 05:40 (UTC)

STOP POKING HOLES IN MY SIMILES
I'll be counting down.

Excuse me??????
rewind
what???

[ LET HIM MAKE SURE HE'S TEXTING THE RIGHT PETER. HIS HEART JUST DROPPED TO HIS ASS. ]

No.
Yeah.

why Parker?
that's a weird nickname

[ ................... someone help him. ]

Uuuuh????

Because

that's my surname?

The last name of my parents?

Passed down through the lineage?

Wade you have a last name you know how it works.

Edited 2018-12-04 05:53 (UTC)

WILSON.
I have a normal last name!!!!!
not PARKER
why Parker
Peter Parker
No
I KNOW Peter Parker
he is a sweet ray of sunshine
not a sour cabbage patch you

HE'S LIKE TWELVE
YOU'RE NOT.
I WILL NOT SIT DOWN
NO THANK YOU CHRIS HANSEN
I'M LEAVING
GOODBYE

what are you

Oh.

Dammit, Wade, I'm not twelve I'm 23.
We're not the exact same person we're just like 80% the same.
Also Peter's at least 15

which I guess is pretty close

Maybe 70%??? 65% alike???? Okay I can't even be sure of what's the same but

We're from different universes!

wade come back don't go throwing yourself off something high

SIMILE DATE IS OFF
which was never a date or like a date or anything
Nevermind forget it

I STARED AT YOUR ASS
WE TALKED ABOUT DICKS

[ He jokingly offered Peter Parker a handjob........................... Oh god. He's gonna blow his brains out b y e. ]

Ok but I'm a grown man
it's not a big deal, it's just jokes with a mutual adult.

I mean okay it's probably a little freaky for you but I'm definitely not this kid, we don't even have the same face. And his eyes are brown. And we have totally different voices!

Think of it more like a kid's older (totally hip) brother or something.

Also this is probably divine intervention for wearing your pervy cap so brazenly not gonna lie.

[ He's not responding anymore. He's just going to go hide in his house. Peter putting an emphasis on how he's an ADULT is just freaking Wade out more. ]

Are you SERIOUS right now?
Come on dude I came all the way out here!

It's December, it's cold!

you're being totally unreasonable here

[A decent walk and some huffing later, and he's knocking at your front door.]

[ Peter's probably lucky Wade is the one to answer his front door and not Cable. He doesn't open it all the way either. Just enough to poke his head out and squint through his mask at Peter. ]

Why and how do you know where I live? And stop blowing my phone up or I'm literally going to blow it up.

[ Oh, and hey he has x6 more weapons strapped to his body than he did last time. Yes, those are swords. ]

Go away.

... I asked people on the street which way the red guy loudly muttering at himself and flailing his arms around went.

[He crosses his arms, squinting fearlessly.

Also jesus, are you some kind of ninja? Potentially of the weeb variety?]

You're the one who asked me to go do these trial runs.

Isn't it kind of important?

That sounds incredibly, incredibly fake.

[ Hope Peter wasn't expecting to be let in, because Wade's just standing there... squint glaring at him.

And yes. Yes he is a ninja. ]

And then I changed my mind. So why are you on my front door step. You can huff and puff all you like.

[ Yes it is important, but he's feeling sore right now. Might have something to do with the whole being a weird multiverse clone of his favourite teenager in Deerington. ]

Changed your—

I waited a good twenty minutes by a bunch of bald trees in the middle of winter!

[He puts his hands on his hips, and plays by Deadpool's rules.]

Why are you being such a massive ass-hat?

[ Wade's expression changes to something less hostile, almost like he's staring blankly at Peter from behind his mask. Then he turns, leaving the door open to dig in the coat closet by the door.

What he returns with is a pretty fucking ugly red flannel coat. Oh, he does have "normal" clothes. But Pete doesn't get any warning before Wade's opening the door all the way and moving into Pete's space to drape the coat over his shoulders. It's probably a size too big and smells like Weasel's bar and Wade but at least he's trying to be nice.

When he lets Peter have his personal space back it's so Wade can pull his front door closed.] I'm so proud of you. Was that your first profanity? By the end of the month you'll be saying your one and only fuck. Better save it for an important moment.

[He, not for the first time, is completely thrown a curveball here. Is this just what he's gonna expect from this guy every time they cross paths, accidentally or in a huff? He stares for a moment in confusion, said (ugly) flannel coat hanging off his shoulders. Like, sure, he was kinda chilly from all the stationary waiting, but.

........]

Like I said: 23-years-old.

I say a lot of bad words.

[He's also said plenty at age fifteen, but mentioning it in that way will only make him try to... chug bleach or something all over again, so he thinks better of it, even if it's a smug thought. Instead he elects for broadcasting the immediate next one:]

... What lumberjack did you murder to get this thing.

Edited 2018-12-04 22:47 (UTC)

[ Ah, yes another reminder that he's an adult and a-okay to flirt with. At this point Wade's starting to wonder if Peter actually liked the flirting. ]

You just said "ass-hat" like it's a real bad word combination.

[ Once Wade's front door is shut securely, Wade lifts a hand to turn Peter around and inspire him to start walking away from the house. ] His name was Paul. You would think someone named Paul wouldn't be that terrifying, but you bring in the blue ox - Babe. I barely escaped with my life and that coat. [ Does it ever seem like Wade's just trying to amuse himself with his stupid jokes? ]

Bold judgement from the guy who was clearly rooting through Ellen Page's closet for an outfit.

[He just doesn't want you to associate him with a teenager and scrub your face with bleach--wait a minute there buster.]

Hey! I'm fashionable. I'm hip.

[He says, dressed in an old T-Shirt, thrift store jeans, and an ugly lumberjack flannel.

Which to be fair, is a good hip-ster aesthetic. Or maybe he's just a Niravana mega-fan.

Also he's ignoring your terrible joke.]

Also, are we gonna go actually do the needle thing, or am I gonna go make sure nobody falls on their ass at the skating rink? [Which is a pretty low-key Spider-Man thing, but whatever, he can do it as Peter Parker.] Or, you know, warn people if I see evil lake monsters. Either/or.

Edited 2018-12-05 19:55 (UTC)

Eeesh, you sound like you're straight out of the middle of a mid-life crisis. Are you okay? Do we need to talk about this? I'm here to listen about how you want to buy a motorcycle and get a tramp stamp. Please take me with you when you get the tramp stamp.

[ Right... ANYWAY. ]

Do you want to make sure no one falls on their ass at the skating rink -- wait -- are you inviting me to go skating? [ It's easy to see his nonexistent eyebrows raise behind the black part of his mask. ] We don't have to do the needle thing. [ Really, he just wanted to hang out... He's allowed to be lonely okay. Cable hardly counts as company half the time. ]

[He scoffs, rolling his eyes to the heavens.]

I’ve been having a mid-life crisis since high school.

And we’re doing the needle thing. That’s the whole point of this — and wouldn’t you like to know how far you can be from someone before accidentally stab them by proxy? [Wade’s a questionable person sometimes, but he’s got a good heart. Peter has an eye for these things, even if said good hearts can also go rotten with other fatalistic flaws — thanks, Doc. Anyway, he just knows Wade would give himself a hell of a hard time if he accidentally got someone hurt just because they were nearby.] You ready or what?

Edited 2018-12-15 06:12 (UTC)

I've got you beat- eighth grade. [ Is that a smile in his voice, yes, yes it is. ]

Here? Now? Wow, you're so forward, I would have never taken you for an exhibitionist. [ But then there's a pause in his bravado... He seems to contemplate something before bringing a gloved hand up to his mouth and tugging off one of his gloves with his teeth.

And that certainly is the hand of a burn victim right there. Don't stare!!! He doesn't like when people stare!!! He shoves the glove halfway into one of his pouches and digs around in another for a small Hello Kitty measuring tape, that clearly was made with kids in mind. He holds it out to Peter to take the beginning to start it. At least he's seemed to think this through to some extent. ]

[S C O F F

But don't think he doesn't notice the burned-looking hand. Because he definitely noticed it. And he is very goddamn careful to mask a visible reaction to that; alright. That would explain something, potentially. Or a... lot of things. Jesus.

... He pinches the end of the tape measure between his index and thumb, and takes (1) step backward.]

You clearly have me all figured out.

Go ahead, give it a whirl.

['Stab you with a needle to stab me, I can take it, champ.']

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